Moving Box of Germs

The current life shattering problem right now is not the American election,  the current drug crisis or even climate change.  What the most relevant issue for all working women is how to find damn dress shoes that you can wear all day at work AND look good in!  It’s not rocket science people.  Develop a damn shoe that has the same comfort of flip flops but make our legs look fantastic!  Why is this so hard for the shoe maker people?  I could, again, be a gajillionaire if I could develop and market a memory foam pump.  Why do all the current  memory foam type of dress shoes look like they belong on a 72 year old?   I suppose you are now wondering how the shoe issue has absolutely anything to do with the title of this post.  Now that I work in a germ infested building of fun, I have to confess to yet another quirk that I have successfully been able to hide up until now.  I will not under any circumstances get into an elevator with people.  Mostly people with germs and since I cannot convince all people to perform proper hand hygiene or wear a damn mask before boarding, I will painfully take the stairs.  This avoidance of the Moving Box of Germs has made my life difficult in that the coffee shop that I must attend daily for sanity reasons is on the first floor.  I am on the third.  If there happens to be a meeting of sorts or other businessy type thing this usually takes place on the first floor where upon I need to then walk up and down the stairs, most times making multiple trips.  All this would be no bother at all if I could just find an extremely attractive pair of shoes that provide the comfort of a slipper.  I will be heading out this weekend to do some shoe comfort research because it will be a cold day in you know where before I put on a pair of Naturalizers!  (Or as my Mom mistakenly calls them:  Neutralizers.  What?)

Reader Update.....

Went to aforementioned mall.  It was nuts.  Managed to find a parking space quite easily upon arrival but the 1,700 people who came in after me could not.  You would think going to this mall was like a necessary trip to the emergency room the way people were acting in the parking lot!  There were fist fights and car bumping accidents all to get your car in a space to shop!  Yes, the police had to be called.  Many, many times.  The youngest money sucker and I made several trips back to the vehicle and had fun watching the people stalk us in their cars waiting for us to leave. (Who in their right mind would follow a little kid to a car thinking he was done shopping for the day is beyond me!  That is how desperate these people were!)    Keep in mind there are apparently 6,000 parking spots.  This, to me, is a staggering amount of parking spaces.  Let’s just assume each car has more than one person in it (because it is a serious drive away from any of the major towns/cities so one would assume the cars would be full of people wanting to hit the new, heavily advertised mall).  Do the math people!  That many parking stalls multiplied by the potential two or more persons per car.  Goodness that’s a lot of humans in one place trying to give away their money!

The mall itself?  Holy crap.  It was kinda cool and this coming from someone who no longer loves shopping.  There was a lot to look at (the mall AND the people watching) and some of the stores were not just retail stores, they were experiences).  There was a very serious lack of places to eat.  Only two restaurants managed to get their crap together for the opening weekend and be ready.  There was a food court of course but who wants to stand in line forever to get food just to realize you will never find an empty table with which to eat.  There was an amazing indoor skateboard park that was very impressive (especially since the Money Sucker spent almost the entire time skating and not bugging me to buy him stuff (I call that a win Mall People).

The mall did, however, get so busy that you could barely walk around without getting bumped by stupid people.  There should be strict rules about stopping dead and using your phone.  PULL OVER PEOPLE.  Don’t get me started on how stupid people are with standing in an open fricken doorway on their phones blocking the entrances!  They should make the mall a no phone zone dammit!  So many stupid people. 

I did think many, many times while wandering around that I sure could use a bloody drink and a quiet place to sit down.  Just in the opening weekend alone my martini bar would have made enough money to keep me living comfortably for quite some time!  That and a standing yearly reservation at the Betty Ford clinic (and maybe Jenny Craig). 

 

You Read It Here.... Again.

I know I have mentioned this brilliant idea in the past but this weekend the idea popped into my head again and the more I think about it, the more it sounds like the best idea ever.  Keep in mind, if anyone comes up with the capital and the necessary liquor license and copies my brilliant idea, I will be suing.  You read it here first (or in this case years ago and now, again).  There is a new mall opening up in a crazy, out of the way location that keeps getting so much media attention for apparently being the biggest mall ever (this I seriously doubt) and because they put the damn thing out in the sticks and cannot believe that the stores are having difficulty finding staff!  Maybe if someone with half a brain in their head said at the start of this little adventure “Hey, would you like to work part time for minimum wage and have to take the bus for almost an hour to get here for your four hour shift?”  Clearly, no one would say yes to this.  So now they have all these unfilled positions because the stores only want to hire part time, pay crappy wages and offer no benefits.  Hmmm, great business plan….  Opps, apologies…. Went off in a completely unrelated direction.  Back to my brilliant plan!  I, along with a few of my crazy friends (they have no choice in the matter, they are joining me!) will be opening up a martini bar in the mall.  Could you imagine?  Not only will this be great for the stay at home moms (Day drinking?  Yes!), Dudes who get dragged to the mall by their wives/girlfriends but also those of us who just hate shopping and would prefer to be at the mall, any mall tipsy.  The stores will love and support us (serious spending the drunker the customer), the cab companies will have to open up a special “mall only” branch to get people to and fro and me and my people?  We will be filthy rich!  I would, of course, make up special martini’s for each season (the best one being “Back To School-tini”).  It will be like all the craft beer locations that are popping up everywhere but with martinis and delicious snacks!  Who doesn’t love a martini?  Now to obtain the ever elusive liquor license and find a location in the mall next to a daycare!  Already counting my imaginary money!