As I was sitting in traffic yesterday making up new names
for the stupid, bad drivers (douche nugget) it hit me that I should probably
have my own morning and traffic show on the radio. I would even be
willing to hop into a whirling death machine to provide the most accurate
traffic reports for my listeners (of course bringing along my friend
Ativan). It would be a very honest and forthright reporting of true
traffic events. Here is just a small sample of the reports:
“Asshat in Blue Dodge pick-up truck on the 91 Highway
driving in the fast lane not letting people pass. If same blue dodge is
witnessed as pushed off the side of the road, please do not stop and
assist. Douche deserves to wait!”
“It’s Idiot Thursday people. Just try to get home safe
as fast as you can. Who knows what is going to happen out there today!”
“This morning’s traffic report brought to you by the nut
jobs who slow the eff down to stare at every car that happens to be pulled over
on the highway or accident that occurred on the OTHER side of the highway. Stop looking and start driving people!”
“Minivan on the highway commute home who is pissing everyone
off hitting the breaks over and over again when clearly there is no bloody cars
in front of you. Please, please unfortunate Minivan driver, if you are
listening, you are causing all the other idiots behind you to panic and hit the
brakes. If you cause a rear-ender, you’re getting the bill.”
“Gentle reminder to the listeners out there AND a public
service announcement: Slower effing traffic keep right! This
actually means if you are driving in the left hand lane and are not doing so
with the sole purpose of passing someone and getting back in the right lane
then I suggest you get off the road. Your f**ing up traffic.”
“You in the white Subaru driving ten kilometers under the
speed limit – that car goes faster, I know it does. If you can’t drive it
to its full potential get a bloody Honda Fit. Let someone who knows how
to drive have the damn car!”
I could go on and on and I will most certainly do so, in my
head, on the commute home today and every day. Until then stay safe out
there on the roads. Especially on Idiot Thursday!
