I have a TON of stuff to write about. Most is so funny. I just need to stop and put sentences together that all relate to one single topic, all in their own paragraphs with headings that relate to the topic and mostly so that I make sense to others because the jumbled up stuff makes complete sense to me (see, just there, I created a run on sentence that doesn't make sense. I do that a lot. Thank goodness for editing or every post would be like that without a single bit of punctuation or paragraph structure.) Geez. I would like to start by saying; "Happy Thank Heck Christmas Is Over!" and a "Happy New Year" even though this is not the actual new year to me because the new year actually starts in September when everything new starts, like school, sports and winter hair.
Stories to come:
Babysitting a four year old. Story includes birth control and duct tape. (I have kept texts on my phone to various people for the sole purpose of reporting/recording this adventure.)
Breaking one of my most serious life rules and the struggle within. (This includes beer, the pub, sacred ground and children.)
Finding a messed up author who writes like I speak and is just as clearly screwed up. She writes what I often say in my head but am not brave enough to do, mostly because I don't want to use the word "vagina" out loud in front of respectable people. (Or the efff word because..... I don't know. Maybe I might offend? It's a conundrum.)
The cat/kid dilemma. Because cats are awesomer than kids and easier (unless cleaning up fur ball puke is an issue for you - then stick with the kid.... or not..... we will talk.... later.... over wine.)
Where the name "Doochy Buck Nuts" came from and how universal it is and how many times it can really be used.
Why it is actually a good parenting tool to tell each one of your kids at various times where they "rate" on your love and affection scale. As in "ya, you are number one right now son. Don't fuck up or you will be demoted to third place". Of course, after doing the stupid Mudder thing I adopted two beautiful girls, who are always jockeying for first and second, and a pack of new boys who are at the top spots mostly because I don't have to clean up after them and I think they are awesome. Kids you don't have to live with are so much better than ones you have to live with. On that note it is important to tell the ones who think your wallet belongs to them how much better the other ones are. Gives them something to work towards.
Why my career as a "Beer Blogger" has to come to a stop. (Think can't afford new wardrobe in size so bloody big. If I could just ask the beer to just make my boobs bigger and leave the rest of me alone we would still have a contract. As it stands, Beer Blogger will have to be put on the back burner for now. )
Enjoy this last day of the year and take my advice: if you make a stupid new years resolution DON'T TELL ANYONE! That way you don't look like a failure/loser at the end of January when you start eating fried foods, drinking, stop working out or any of that other shit we all resolve not to do, or do. Just tell people you are going to try to stop being an asshole next year (Notice I put in TRY. Key word to get out of actually doing anything. Brilliant, no? ) Then, next month, when some asshat says "How is your new years resolution going?", you can say "I TRIED to not be an asshole but I didn't really like it so I went back to my old asshole ways......" and other sentences that you would like to add depending on the askee.
