The Turkey - How Timely......

I have been trying with all my creative muster to re-create a story told to me by my good friend Sam. I have spent countless hours in my car or in front of my computer trying to spin a funny web of words to make even just a teeny, tiny bit of this particular story humorous. The end result is, there is pretty much no way in hell that a story about finding a pulsating, maggot filled turkey in the freezer section of a fridge that has been unplugged for quite some time, can even remotely be told as funny or even amusing. I have tried. Typed many a draft. Every single time I even think about the smell that my friend Sam had hit her right smack in the face when she opened that freezer, I start dry heaving. Heck, I can’t even handle a little mold on cheese!

I have however been extremely successful in drumming up creative ways for her to get back at the person whose turkey it was. Mostly along the lines of mailing turkeys in various forms of decay to said person every single thanksgiving or Christmas (pick desired holiday). Just for fun I also thought it would be a hoot to send pictures of turkeys in the mail throughout the year. Anonymously of course. This tactic is used mostly so the poultry offender does not let their guard down throughout the year.

Oh, and Sam, she got the pleasure of cleaning out the fridge, freezer AND the apartment that housed the appliance. Ummm I had a better idea: matches.

My New Pen Name

It occurred to me this evening that it might be a fun little adventure to start signing my name under the alas Karma. Could you just see it? There have been so many situations (some occurring very recently) where I was unable or restrained enough not to fire off an email with EXACTLY what was on my mind and adding a little reminder about our dear friend and judicial partner, Karma, would help with the inner turmoil one goes through while trying to be polite. One such email sent this evening was a single line and was blunt and to the point (however the author was seething with sarcasm). It would have been so much nicer to sign that email off with the pen name Karma. Hows this for example:

Dear So and So (polite, no?)

The email you sent was most informative and very helpful. I do wish to point out that the unwritten cheque you so eloquently pointed out to the entire email group HAS been submitted and in fact was cashed. Some. Time. Ago.

Sincerely,
Karma

Or how about:

Dear Vindictive So and So,

Thank you for your kind words to us and the entire email group. I appreciate the time and effort it takes to create an email address list, fire up a computer and email people on a daily basis. I do however wish to point out that the content of your last email was entirely fabricated and although I do not wish to "reply all" a counter claim to your comments, I would like you to know that your words have been duly noted.

Regards,
Karma

I really think this new pen name will not only bring me joy it may also cause people to pause. And maybe think before writing? If only.....

But they are really little chocolate bars......

Freaking little tiny bites of goodness.  They are the root of all November poundage.  You ever just tried to eat one?  Our intentions are so good.  Look at these little tiny chocolate bars.  Aren't they cute?  They are so small there surely can only be 10 calories in each one.   We buy a bag (or bags) with wonderful intentions of rewarding ourselves each day by having just one.  I can't believe we speak the language of 'bullshit' even to ourselves!  Seriously.  Eat just one.  Come on.  You'll be lucky not to put back half the bag.  Those midget chocolate bars are evil. 

Next stop: Christmas cookies (and spirits - but I pretend those are calorie free!  Need I remind you that life is short?)

This One You Gotta Read!

I was reading the Blog of author Jen Lancaster yesterday and was shocked and surprised after being directed to an on-line article in Marie Claire. I had to read it twice. Twice I tell you. Here is a link to the article: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/overweight-couples-on-television
I have always been a huge fan of telling it like it is and understand that everyone has their opinions, however sarcastic and all that, but really lady? Are you freaking serious? There is such a huge internet backlash to this woman’s article that I would not be surprised if a sudden “sabbatical” comes her way.

Best part? Ole witty, Jen Lancaster put in her two cents: http://www.jennsylvania.com/

I couldn’t a said it better myself!

Another Blogger I follow provided her own rant if your interested: http://volcanicensemble.blogspot.com/2010/10/should-morons-get-voice-even-in-shitty.html

Oh Come On Ladies!

Seriously?

I was at the hair salon the other day and happened to overhear a couple of ladies having a little discussion that frankly shocked me enough to vent for a couple of days and then spew my opinion about the conversation. For anatomy purposes I will call Johnny’s mom Full Color, the chick she was talking to at the salon Foils and Poor Billy’s mom Grade School.

Full Color: You are not going to believe what happened last week at Johnny’s school?

Foils: Do tell.

Full Color: Apparently my Johnny said some bad words at school and it ‘upset’ Poor Billy so much he felt compelled to tell his mom.
Foils: Yah, and…..

Full Color: That is not the brutal part. I guess Poor Billy was so upset and dismayed about Johnny’s potty mouth that Billy’s mom, Grade School, decided she should meet with the teacher.

Foils: You kidding me right?

Full Color: Oh no I am not! The part I am having difficulty dealing with is that I had assumed before this that Grade School was my friend. I find it disrespectful on so many levels that Grade School would not come to me first to express her displeasure about Johnny’s Trucker Mouth. She just marched her ass to the teacher like a crazy tattler and now she seems to be avoiding me.

Foils: What’s Poor Billy’s mom going to do about the other 250 kids who cuss on the playground or heaven forbid call her kid a bad name? Home school?

Full Color: I don’t know. Seriously. I thought this kinda stuff didn’t happen once we moved out of our parents house and we had our own families?

Foils: You should sooo confront her. Tell her you know where her kid gets his ‘tattling tendencies’ and if she is going to run to the teacher every time another kid does something wrong she better quit her job and just park a tent trailer at the school. You might want to also reminder her what happens to those kids when they hit high school. Can you say ‘somebody gonna get hurt’?

At this point I am afraid I missed the rest of the trash talking because I was on ‘rinse cycle”. Damn. I gotta tell you, it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut during this little tirade. Oh my. Gee, do you think Poor Billy’s mom was coddled her whole life? How long is it going to take her to realize she can’t control every other kid in the school/worlds behaviour?

So I consult a friend who happens to teach children a couple years younger than this particular age group and she was not surprised. She informs me that some parents are just jumping at the chance to meet with her to “tell on” the other children. Especially if it makes their child look better. Apparently its fodder for the water cooler in the staff lunch room. Makes me wonder if, when they are doing up the class lists, if they have a little red star beside the kids name if their mom is a pain in the butt. Do they split up those moms so each teacher has to deal with an equal amount of crap each year?

I suppose by now you are wondering why I just couldn’t let this one go. Well, mostly because I have a problem with the “girl” thing. By this I most certainly do not mean the purse/shoe buying, gotta get my nails done, can’t stand a spider girl thing. What I’m talking about is the game playing, narcissistic crap that chicks pull instead of (for lack of a better word) “manning” up and just talking about it. Don’t get me wrong here, if Johnny were a two hundred pound school yard bully, tell away sister. Bust his bully ass. This particular situation pissed me off because Full Color and Grade School apparently have been friends for a few years and Johnny and Billy hang out, so to speak. What’s with that? Full Color seemed honestly hurt that her “friend” did not have the (for lack of a better word, again) BALLS to come and talk to her first. Wake up Full Color, Grade School aint yo friend any mo.

And we wonder why it’s been so difficult for chicks to climb the “corporate ladder”. Uh, how about because we can’t stop acting like pre-pubescent girls?

The Conversation - not to be confused with "the situation"

So I am sure if you have been paying attention you have noticed I put the funky little "bean counter" at the bottom of my blog. This is mostly as a result of a conversation I had with a fellow Blogger friend. It went something like this:


Nosey Blogger Friend: Dude, why don't you have a counter on your blog?

Me: Ummm, why the hell would I want one?

Nosey Blogger Friend: Everybody, who is anybody wants to know how many people are reading their stuff.

Me: Not me, don't really care.

Nosey Not So Much a Blogger Friend: Your totally lying!  You have to be curious.

Me: Um no, seriously, the best part of blogging for me is when a friend or really good friend/neighbour comments to me that I gave them a good laugh or (and not that this has really happened) they try to sneak in and out of the neighbourhood with their hockey jersey on in hopes that I won't see them and point and laugh or possibly take pictures (only to get busted -NOT that it really happened).

Blogger Friend: That really happened didn't it?

Me: Maybe. Not tellin.

Blogger Friend: That soooo happened!

Me: Whatever if it did or didn't. That's the best part.  You, my friend, will never know (unless said pictures turn up).

BF: Ah, I so totally get it. Still I am totally kickin your ass with the numbers, sucker!

(Footnote: for a teeny tiny brief second I considered logging into my blog a couple hundred times and sending a na na na email to my pal but then thought better of it. She is a serious blogger and would probably want names of all my new "readers". Not even I could expand my imagination that much and pull that off.  So to shut her up I put a counter on.  Now that its there, it's kinda fun.  She however is going to wish she never mentioned it cause every time the counter hits a round number I am sending her off a little note about it!)