My good friend Hawkgirl suggested last week that I watch the movie Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead. Well, if that isn't a sign from my friend that perhaps the storage of winter fat I am sporting might be reaching epic proportions! I watched said movie and then promptly watched the next movie Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead 2 (creative name?). If those movies don't make you, at the very least, run to the produce market and buy some shit ass kale, I don't know what will! I mean really, every single one of us knows that our bodies run better on healthy food but vegetables? Yuck. There are very few vegetables that I would just die to eat! My death row meal will absolutely NOT have a single vegetable in it (because what the hell, ya leavin anyway!) So Hawkgirl and I start a vegetable experiment: Replace one meal a day with a smoothie/juice a day that consists of mostly vegetables with the grand plan of working our way up to two a day. Three days in I am completely SOLD on this vegetable/fruit eating crap and have proceeded to two smoothies a day! This is the best way to punch vegetables in without actually eating/tasting them! By day four my oldest money sucker thought I had ingested six cups of espresso for breakfast, I had that much energy! I even think that, come summer, I might just replace beer/wine/spirits with a kale infused vodka laced beverage! Everyone will sit around judging the crap out of me and thinking I am one pair of Birkinstocks away from Veganville, all the while wondering why I am so wasted! Win. Bloody. Win.
I will report back long term findings of this experiment.
(PS - If I EVER suggest to any of you that I might want to live on a farm and grow my own vegetables PLEASE stage an intervention. That would be crossing way over the line because hello - dirt!)
(PSS - Just in case you wondered what my death row meal would be, right now it would be poutine at Zogs in Whistler at 2:00 am.)
March 7, 2016
March 3, 2016
Fries and Running - A Message to Mr. Fitness Freak
A short time ago a fit friend of mine posted this ridiculousness on Facebook:
In Case You Ever Doubted My Sanity
Just as a small aside to the other wonderful things I have to write. Here is a little glimpse into what may or may not go on in my head at any given time......
It was Christmas Eve and a group of family members were on their way to come and celebrate the season with us (in kid speak this means "open presents a day early" and in adult speak this means "another excuse to eat shitty food and drink beverages"). It was decided early in the planning stages that this would be an appetizer night since we were all due to be eating the carb mother load the very next day. Of course no appetizer night is the same without a trip to Costco for extra large boxes of frozen regret. This is where it was decided that breaded calamari might be fun (Seriously, can you all read between the lines on this one? Who makes their own breaded calamari? That shit has to be fried beside the french fries and mac and cheese balls for the optimum amount of grease and artery hardening properties!) Well if I don't read the fine print on the box (see pic below) just before loading them in the oven and see the most magical, happy rhyming words I have ever seen! This made my entire night! Say it with me:
Rings & Tentacles!
Isn't that the funniest thing you have ever read/said out loud! I must have said this amazing phrase a million times over the next few days. Every time someone asked me a question I added a "Rings & Tentacles" to my answer (In my head of course. If it had been out loud I would be writing this from a padded room. Obviously.) I actually found myself singing this phrase over and over. If I ever take up meditation this will be my Ohmmmm phrase, which in hindsight might not be a good idea because I can't help but laugh every time I say it! Might just name my next cats Rings (who will obviously have stripes) and Tentacles (physical properties of this cat are currently eluding me, mostly because when I hear the word tentacles I, of course, think octopus so....)
Anyway, watch for a Rings & Tentacles Day. It could happen.
 |
ACTUAL box of calamari!
Which were gross. If you want to kill
yourself eating this stuff
go to a restaurant. Might just as well
order the fried mac and cheese
balls too! No wait!
EAT VEGETABLES
|
February 12, 2016
Follow me on Twitter??? WTF?
To begin with, I am the first person who trashed Twitter because I saw the steady decline of our youth becoming unable to form sentences into meaningful paragraphs. And for this I blamed Twitter. Guess what? I went shopping today for a pair of new running pants (running? Yes, that story to follow) (and upon re-reading this I realized how seriously messed up it is to start talking about Twitter then go directly to shopping for running pants. Who can't string a bunch of sentences together now!) Back to the shopping: because I am getting tired of doing laundry every second day since I only really have two pair of decent pants to run in. After trying on 7 pairs of running pants all the while trying to NOT look in the mirror I sat down and almost cried. Stupid winter fat. Then it occurred to me. Maybe one of my friends would want to know this information on a timely basis so we can drown our sorrows in wine and cake. (Or in my case wine and/or beer, cake and/or sandwiches. LOVE sandwiches!) Anyway, I thought it would be a super fun challenge for this old, fat gal to try and link up the little blue bird to my blog. I did it! Bite me all you young, grammatically challenged skinny people.
An Adventure in Babysitting - AKA: Why I am no longer a qualified daycare provider.
This past Christmas break I had the privilege to help my favourite niece with a little babysitting. Her daycare decided to shut down for a few days over Christmas and she needed a bit of help with the watching of her beautiful four year old wipper snapper. I signed on for two days. Two FULL days. I am not talking about four hour stints here. Two, entire full work days (plus travel time=long, long days). I figured how hard could it be? She's a cute little girl. Don't they just colour all day and watch Frozen? I immediately told the Old Boy and the Youngest Money Sucker they had to help. Old Boy was in as long as he could convince her to sit and watch golf/hockey/any other sport with him and the Youngest Money Sucker pretty much said "Hell no! I will be in my room." Nice. The first day came and I quickly realized that I was so unqualified to watch girl type people. Within the first 45 minutes I was begging the other family members to take a one hour "answer the four year olds questions" shift. My reasoning was that if we each took a shift answering the endless stream of ridiculous questions, then the others could take a break (therefore preventing all of us from going insane at the same time). Never in my life have I met a person who talked that much and asked that many questions! Boys may be dirty and a little dumb but Holy Hannah they are much quieter! (In hindsight maybe they are a little dumber because they don't ask a million and a half questions? Huh. I'm however sticking with puberty completely destroying their grey matter. That's my theory.)
After the first full day of child minding I realized that colouring and movie watching was not this little person's cup of tea. For heavens sake she never stopped moving OR talking for more than one entire full minute. I was mentally exhausted. Not only did she exude endless amounts of energy, she also was an extremely smooth manipulator (thank goodness for texting or I would have clearly let her eat all the candy and chocolate that she told me her mom let her eat "all the time" within the first two minutes of arriving!) I still had another full day. Oh holy crap.
Day two arrives and I think I am much more prepared. My helpers however have flown the coop and found important "errands" they needed to run. Jerks. I think I am super creative and take her to the library which, as it turns out, emits another litany of questions I did not see coming. After the library we do lunch then beautiful, wonderful nap time. My niece lets me in on a little napping secret so I tell her that she just needs to take a teeny, tiny nap but I won't start the "nap timer" until she is asleep (my niece is a genius) to which I leave the room only to listen to her talk to herself for over an hour. Non-stop jabbering. To. Herself. How can one small person have that much to say?
Fun side of this story is that during her nap jabber time I texted the oldest money sucker (who was on the same floor as Chatty Cathy) and asked him if he still thought his little brother was all that bad. I got a resounding "Oh Hell No". That was the first win of the day. The second win was me reminding the oldest how vitally important BIRTH CONTROL is. He concurred. Lessons learned for everyone!!!!!
After the first full day of child minding I realized that colouring and movie watching was not this little person's cup of tea. For heavens sake she never stopped moving OR talking for more than one entire full minute. I was mentally exhausted. Not only did she exude endless amounts of energy, she also was an extremely smooth manipulator (thank goodness for texting or I would have clearly let her eat all the candy and chocolate that she told me her mom let her eat "all the time" within the first two minutes of arriving!) I still had another full day. Oh holy crap.
Day two arrives and I think I am much more prepared. My helpers however have flown the coop and found important "errands" they needed to run. Jerks. I think I am super creative and take her to the library which, as it turns out, emits another litany of questions I did not see coming. After the library we do lunch then beautiful, wonderful nap time. My niece lets me in on a little napping secret so I tell her that she just needs to take a teeny, tiny nap but I won't start the "nap timer" until she is asleep (my niece is a genius) to which I leave the room only to listen to her talk to herself for over an hour. Non-stop jabbering. To. Herself. How can one small person have that much to say?
Fun side of this story is that during her nap jabber time I texted the oldest money sucker (who was on the same floor as Chatty Cathy) and asked him if he still thought his little brother was all that bad. I got a resounding "Oh Hell No". That was the first win of the day. The second win was me reminding the oldest how vitally important BIRTH CONTROL is. He concurred. Lessons learned for everyone!!!!!
February 11, 2016
The Travesty and various other words to describe the current situation.
Before I start blithering on and on about the injustices of my world an update on the youngest money suckers health:
Kid is fine. Grumpy and moving a lot slower than is his norm but the first surgery went well and the young lad is bouncing back rather quickly. We did have some interesting moments during our hospital stay (I say "our" because I stayed there the entire time. It was the most brutal three days I can clearly recall.) The most heart wrenching was being on a floor filled with babies and children who have had surgery. It is the saddest thing I can imagine and the nurses who work there are absolute saints. Every single nurse we came across during our time there was amazing. It is however, the absolute worst place to heal. Rest and sleep are non-existent. By day three I told the kid to get dressed and look normal because if we had to spend one more night in that place I was going to kill someone (that and the "parent bathroom" looked like it had NEVER been cleaned and the entire time we were there, there was a urine sample in the parent shower which confused the heck out of me because a. why was a parent of a child in Childrens' Hospital giving a urine sample? and b. who is responsible for cleaning that damn bathroom? I would bet money if I went back there today, over two weeks later, that bottle of pee would still be there! Gross.) One small surgery left for the lad in a few weeks and then hopefully he (and his defective kidney) will be good to go on to many great adventures! (On a more hilarious note the boy has been uncomfortably peeing blood since the surgery, which is entirely normal until the stent gets removed from his kidney. This has however, provided me with an opportunity to tell him that is what could happen to him and his wizzer if he doesn't protect himself during "relations". So much fun embarrassing your kids. It's clearly why we have them. Right?)
Back to me - Now that the boy has recovered enough to go back to school, I am going to make myself an appointment with the Crazy Doctor because clearly, honestly this is the path I am travelling. Take today for example: I did my usual on line job search, sent out a few resumes, made banana bread, cleaned the kitchen, took out the recycling bins, emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the litter box and then, while waiting for the banana bread to come out of the oven, found myself sewing up a hole in the kids shirt. It was at this point where I looked up and said out loud "What the fuck!". When did I become Susy Homemaker? I don't sew! That was the last straw. I almost grabbed a beer out of the fridge just to counteract the Pink Work I had just done. Sewing. Come on, really? I need help. Or a job. Whichever comes first.
Kid is fine. Grumpy and moving a lot slower than is his norm but the first surgery went well and the young lad is bouncing back rather quickly. We did have some interesting moments during our hospital stay (I say "our" because I stayed there the entire time. It was the most brutal three days I can clearly recall.) The most heart wrenching was being on a floor filled with babies and children who have had surgery. It is the saddest thing I can imagine and the nurses who work there are absolute saints. Every single nurse we came across during our time there was amazing. It is however, the absolute worst place to heal. Rest and sleep are non-existent. By day three I told the kid to get dressed and look normal because if we had to spend one more night in that place I was going to kill someone (that and the "parent bathroom" looked like it had NEVER been cleaned and the entire time we were there, there was a urine sample in the parent shower which confused the heck out of me because a. why was a parent of a child in Childrens' Hospital giving a urine sample? and b. who is responsible for cleaning that damn bathroom? I would bet money if I went back there today, over two weeks later, that bottle of pee would still be there! Gross.) One small surgery left for the lad in a few weeks and then hopefully he (and his defective kidney) will be good to go on to many great adventures! (On a more hilarious note the boy has been uncomfortably peeing blood since the surgery, which is entirely normal until the stent gets removed from his kidney. This has however, provided me with an opportunity to tell him that is what could happen to him and his wizzer if he doesn't protect himself during "relations". So much fun embarrassing your kids. It's clearly why we have them. Right?)
Back to me - Now that the boy has recovered enough to go back to school, I am going to make myself an appointment with the Crazy Doctor because clearly, honestly this is the path I am travelling. Take today for example: I did my usual on line job search, sent out a few resumes, made banana bread, cleaned the kitchen, took out the recycling bins, emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the litter box and then, while waiting for the banana bread to come out of the oven, found myself sewing up a hole in the kids shirt. It was at this point where I looked up and said out loud "What the fuck!". When did I become Susy Homemaker? I don't sew! That was the last straw. I almost grabbed a beer out of the fridge just to counteract the Pink Work I had just done. Sewing. Come on, really? I need help. Or a job. Whichever comes first.
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