When your body lets you falsely believe you’re a rock star!

Many, many weeks ago I resigned myself to not attending a running event that I had been training for with Lady G.  I hurt my back part way into training in a way that I never had before (coincidently I hurt myself putting on a pair of shorts, which I keep telling people are evil and not flattering.  No one listens to me.  Especially in the heat of the summer!  Mind you the back went out AFTER running 16 kilometers so there’s that.)   After the back injury I resigned myself to attending the event just to cheer on my running partner and enjoy a cold beverage post race.  So with this decision made I, of course, stopping training.  Heck, my back was sore for weeks and there was no way I would be able to put in the miles needed to get it done in the time that was left.  Then a miracle of sorts happened.  I was sitting at work minding my own business when a person at the desk beside me started happily explaining her weekend half marathon experience and how awesome it was.  I looked over and thought “what?”  (use your imagination here please).  To which she finishes up the conversation by explaining that she “walked” the entire half marathon (what? Turned into a “Ohhh, I get it”.)  Well, if this wasn’t an eye opener for me.  I decided right then that I would walk that damn 21.5 kilometers if I had to.  Heck, I was going there anyway to cheer on The Gazelle.  So with this new found power I tell my running partner that she is going to have to wait many, many hours for me to finish and prepare myself for “The Great Walk”.  We arrive on race day with completely differing emotions.  One excited and a bit nervous, the other laid back and worried that we would be wandering the city looking for the parking garage where the car was (because neither of us could remember where we had parked).   Gazelle and I started and ran together for a couple of minutes then she was off to the races!  I ended up having the best run of my life!  I had no mental pressure on myself at all and managed to run, pain free, for almost the entire 21.5.  It was amazing………….  Until a couple hours after the finish.  My body took this opportunity, this one time only, to fake me out and not send me all the warning signs that come with running a stupid ass long distance without putting in the training.  As we got up to leave the after race/beer party, I found myself almost to the point of not being able to walk.  This pain and  the fact that the damn car was miles and miles away almost sent me to the brink of madness.  It was all I could do to keep walking.  (In hindsight I should have just finished the race and kept running right to the damn car!)  I am quite used to the odd ache or pain from running longer distances.  The pain usually sticks around for a day or two and is nothing that a couple of Advil or a good glass of whiskey won’t take care of.  Well…. this was different.  I got up the next morning to get ready for work and my feet were broken!  Well, they felt broken.  Seems I have bruised them so badly from the serious lack of training (and running with a layer of summer party bubble) that as I sit here five days later I wonder if they will ever feel normal again.   Despite the broken feet I am so happy to add this to the list of “crazy shit I have done” for many reasons.  It was awesome to be with Lady Gazelle for her first “official” half marathon and the race itself was so amazing.  The route, the view, the music along the way, my new found running super powers and the pride of not dying on the race course all add up to one hell of a day! 

Moving Box of Germs

The current life shattering problem right now is not the American election,  the current drug crisis or even climate change.  What the most relevant issue for all working women is how to find damn dress shoes that you can wear all day at work AND look good in!  It’s not rocket science people.  Develop a damn shoe that has the same comfort of flip flops but make our legs look fantastic!  Why is this so hard for the shoe maker people?  I could, again, be a gajillionaire if I could develop and market a memory foam pump.  Why do all the current  memory foam type of dress shoes look like they belong on a 72 year old?   I suppose you are now wondering how the shoe issue has absolutely anything to do with the title of this post.  Now that I work in a germ infested building of fun, I have to confess to yet another quirk that I have successfully been able to hide up until now.  I will not under any circumstances get into an elevator with people.  Mostly people with germs and since I cannot convince all people to perform proper hand hygiene or wear a damn mask before boarding, I will painfully take the stairs.  This avoidance of the Moving Box of Germs has made my life difficult in that the coffee shop that I must attend daily for sanity reasons is on the first floor.  I am on the third.  If there happens to be a meeting of sorts or other businessy type thing this usually takes place on the first floor where upon I need to then walk up and down the stairs, most times making multiple trips.  All this would be no bother at all if I could just find an extremely attractive pair of shoes that provide the comfort of a slipper.  I will be heading out this weekend to do some shoe comfort research because it will be a cold day in you know where before I put on a pair of Naturalizers!  (Or as my Mom mistakenly calls them:  Neutralizers.  What?)

Reader Update.....

Went to aforementioned mall.  It was nuts.  Managed to find a parking space quite easily upon arrival but the 1,700 people who came in after me could not.  You would think going to this mall was like a necessary trip to the emergency room the way people were acting in the parking lot!  There were fist fights and car bumping accidents all to get your car in a space to shop!  Yes, the police had to be called.  Many, many times.  The youngest money sucker and I made several trips back to the vehicle and had fun watching the people stalk us in their cars waiting for us to leave. (Who in their right mind would follow a little kid to a car thinking he was done shopping for the day is beyond me!  That is how desperate these people were!)    Keep in mind there are apparently 6,000 parking spots.  This, to me, is a staggering amount of parking spaces.  Let’s just assume each car has more than one person in it (because it is a serious drive away from any of the major towns/cities so one would assume the cars would be full of people wanting to hit the new, heavily advertised mall).  Do the math people!  That many parking stalls multiplied by the potential two or more persons per car.  Goodness that’s a lot of humans in one place trying to give away their money!

The mall itself?  Holy crap.  It was kinda cool and this coming from someone who no longer loves shopping.  There was a lot to look at (the mall AND the people watching) and some of the stores were not just retail stores, they were experiences).  There was a very serious lack of places to eat.  Only two restaurants managed to get their crap together for the opening weekend and be ready.  There was a food court of course but who wants to stand in line forever to get food just to realize you will never find an empty table with which to eat.  There was an amazing indoor skateboard park that was very impressive (especially since the Money Sucker spent almost the entire time skating and not bugging me to buy him stuff (I call that a win Mall People).

The mall did, however, get so busy that you could barely walk around without getting bumped by stupid people.  There should be strict rules about stopping dead and using your phone.  PULL OVER PEOPLE.  Don’t get me started on how stupid people are with standing in an open fricken doorway on their phones blocking the entrances!  They should make the mall a no phone zone dammit!  So many stupid people. 

I did think many, many times while wandering around that I sure could use a bloody drink and a quiet place to sit down.  Just in the opening weekend alone my martini bar would have made enough money to keep me living comfortably for quite some time!  That and a standing yearly reservation at the Betty Ford clinic (and maybe Jenny Craig). 

 

You Read It Here.... Again.

I know I have mentioned this brilliant idea in the past but this weekend the idea popped into my head again and the more I think about it, the more it sounds like the best idea ever.  Keep in mind, if anyone comes up with the capital and the necessary liquor license and copies my brilliant idea, I will be suing.  You read it here first (or in this case years ago and now, again).  There is a new mall opening up in a crazy, out of the way location that keeps getting so much media attention for apparently being the biggest mall ever (this I seriously doubt) and because they put the damn thing out in the sticks and cannot believe that the stores are having difficulty finding staff!  Maybe if someone with half a brain in their head said at the start of this little adventure “Hey, would you like to work part time for minimum wage and have to take the bus for almost an hour to get here for your four hour shift?”  Clearly, no one would say yes to this.  So now they have all these unfilled positions because the stores only want to hire part time, pay crappy wages and offer no benefits.  Hmmm, great business plan….  Opps, apologies…. Went off in a completely unrelated direction.  Back to my brilliant plan!  I, along with a few of my crazy friends (they have no choice in the matter, they are joining me!) will be opening up a martini bar in the mall.  Could you imagine?  Not only will this be great for the stay at home moms (Day drinking?  Yes!), Dudes who get dragged to the mall by their wives/girlfriends but also those of us who just hate shopping and would prefer to be at the mall, any mall tipsy.  The stores will love and support us (serious spending the drunker the customer), the cab companies will have to open up a special “mall only” branch to get people to and fro and me and my people?  We will be filthy rich!  I would, of course, make up special martini’s for each season (the best one being “Back To School-tini”).  It will be like all the craft beer locations that are popping up everywhere but with martinis and delicious snacks!  Who doesn’t love a martini?  Now to obtain the ever elusive liquor license and find a location in the mall next to a daycare!  Already counting my imaginary money!

The Gym - Where No One Knows My Name

I always said I would never, ever join a gym.  There are too many steroid monkeys strutting around and it is a serious workout hazard trying to dodge all the big floaty egos.  I am also extremely self conscious about looking like a gumby when I work out and I have a tendency to put on my workout gear inside out.  Both of which are not really an issue when you run by yourself or with a very kind running partner.

Alas, I realized quite quickly into this working far, far away thing that with the long work day and the even longer commute, there are days I just cannot (or don't want) to run or work out by the time I get home.  This is a big problem during the sport seasons where I get home from work, cram a cracker in my gullet and get back in the damn car to some athletic endeavor that is not mine.  So I reluctantly joined the gym at work.  Super convenient.  I have an hour long lunch break that I was just using as a hour long nap time in my car so the gym, it turns out, is a way better use of my time.  I sorta thought the gym at work might be full of just regular old nice people who all work together.  I.  Was.  Wrong.  Holy crap.  This gym may not be full of roid monkeys like most gyms but in three entire months of attending not one single person has expressed any interest in being friendly (and yes, I do smile at them to see if they are friendly gym creatures) but nothing, not even a slight nod.  What is with these people?  Are they to important to be nice to others?  Are they so into focusing on their workout that they are incapable of friendly overtures?   (Side Bar:  I was a little worried that it might just be me and they could see right through my crazy but I noticed that none of them talk to each other either, even in the changing room.  Nothing.  Not a word!)  Despite the gym snobs I continue to go as often as I can talk myself into it (even though I hate every single minute and many of the minutes afterwards during the annoying "after sweat" when I am sitting at my desk trying to NOT pass out from over heating!).  I will also continue to smile at the Gym Snobs until I wear one of them down and they suddenly decide that they are either sick of me smiling like an idiot at them or they get a freaking personality. Whichever comes first!

GoatGate - The Next Crisis

Yup, you read that right.  GoatGate.  I am currently in the midst of a very large "disagreement" with Hawkgirl regarding the visiting of actual, live goats on my next visit to her home.   I started out being quite open to the idea of visiting the goats (coincidently, none of Hawkgirls family want to go with her to the "goat farm".  Should have been my first clue that something was amiss!) I really had this vision of being safely on the other side of a fence and admiring the goats from afar.  Alas, I was so wrong.  So, so wrong.  Apparently, Hawkgirl wants to "snuggle" with the goats!  What the hell?  Goats are:  smelly, bitey and grossly unpredictable creatures whom, I assume, eat anything!  They are land seagulls.  After explaining to Ms. Hawk that I had no interest in Googling goat bite medical procedures and post-goat visit hand hygiene protocol, she promptly informed me that she was re-evaluating our friendship (because clearly she loves all things animal and I love all things not smelly and bitey!)  I did, throughout the entire conversation have "I will not visit goats Sam I Am, not in a house, not with a mouse, not in a......" well you get it.  As soon as I was informed that I needed to pack old clothing on my vacation, I again protested.  What the hell?  No one wants to pack old clothing with the intention of getting dirty on their vacation (unless, of course, you dig that kinda thing, which is ridiculous!)

 IF Goatgate comes to a peaceful end I will report back.  IF I end up in the emergency room of the tiny hospital in Hawkgirls home town you can BET you will be hearing about it.  

This is NOT a PET!!!!