Run Like a Girl and Sotally Tober Fudder Muckers

The time has come to admit the next degree of insanity of which I begrudgingly am subjecting myself to.  The first is a 11 kilometer trail run up a crazy ass mountain, around what I assume is a lake, with Lady Gazelle.  I have never been to said Lake nor have I run the type of elevation that is said to be forthcoming.   Full disclosure here - I hate running hills.  Even the slightest bump in the road causes my body to drain of energy and I want to throw up/curl up in the fetal position on the side of the trail/road.  Of course, over the last few months whenever Lady Gazelle suggested we start hill training so we were prepared for the insane elevation we have to look forward to I, being a crafty mind twister, said something to the effect of "Oh, yes we should do that.  What a fantastic idea.  Great training plan." Etc. Etc.  all the while thinking "You must be effing nuts.  If you really want me to train on hills you are going to have to cave woman like drag me by my hair kicking and screaming because I will only participate in that activity while tipsy/drunken (hmmm, hill training plan is coming together in my head nicely now.  Run to pub on hill, drink, run down hill and back to pub.  It's like a running incentive plan.  I am writing the proposal to Lady G next!).  Regardless of what happens in this run next week I plan to fully enjoy the experience and have an awesome time with Lady G.  I am sure we will have many laughs, even if we end up eating a ton of disgusting mountain bugs along the way.

What you may ask is the Sotally Tober Fudder Muckers?  That is the sweet, inventive name the group of young people decided for the team this year for Tough Mudder.  Yes, I know you are already saying out loud "but you said you would never do that shit again?"  You are right.  I was coerced and badgered into joining again.  Why? I have no idea.  It's not like I was the life of the party last year running around after the race doing shots and dancing on the table.  In all reality after we all sat in the hot tub nursing our weary bodies I went back to my room, had poutine from Zogs and a few drinks and maybe cried a little.  (Not to mention both my legs cramping up to the point of thinking maybe I needed to call an ambulance.  Turns out running an obstacle course for hours and hours, sitting in a hot tub and then partaking in beverages is okay as long as you add some water in there somewhere.  Apparently being pelted with hail and rain does not qualify as hydration.  Who knew?)  I have already decided that this will be my last kick at the Mudder can because I am getting to freaking old for this nonsense and I have new adventures to see to.  I hope to accomplish and/or attempt some of the obstacles I could not do last year because of the rain/hail (Artic Enema - this means you!)  and maybe enjoy the whole experience more now that I know what to expect.

I will, as always, report back on the spectacular events of each day for no other reason than to let you know that if your running partner or kid ever come up with a hair brained idea to do something athletic way, way out of your comfort zone you can remember this and say "oh, hell no" with dignified confidence!

Co-worker Adjustment Period

A couple of weeks into the new job and I have adjusted to getting up way, way before the birds,  attempting to look like a normal human being and spending many hours locked up in an office.  I have managed to find things to amuse myself other than iv bagging coffee into my veins.  Who has NOT adjusted is my one ex-coworker who has now decided that if I am not going to be around all day long to meet his every need, he is going to show me and forgo the litter box and do his business in all other areas of the house.  Its kinda like coming home to your own special easter egg hunt but its not bloody easter and the eggs are cat business number two (on a side note the whole house smells as well!). I have threatened to leave him in a cat diaper all day long but he just gives me a look like "just try it lady".  I could just see the result of that.  There would be cat diaper and cat crap all over the house when I got home!  For now the score is Ex-CatCo-Worker - 1, Me - 0.

The Hermit Goes Out Into The World

Well, you will all be happy to hear that I am no longer lounging around in my pajamas all day eating bon bons.  I have officially started a job that requires I actually leave the house!  There are real living people at my new office that I need to make eye contact with and communicate with.  It has been a bit challenging but I am getting used to it.  Best part so far is watching the different personalities of the people I now work with comingle.  I have the luxury of just hanging back and watching the power personality struggles happen.  I am also keeping myself completely neutral on all aspects of office politics/drama and hope to keep it that way.  I am learning a lot so my brain is happy.  Biggest challenge so far?  Finding my damn car in the parking lot after hours and hours of being locked up inside!  The second day I literally walked around hitting the lock button on my car so it would beep if I got near it!  I was beside myself.  When I got home the youngest money sucker told me to just take a picture of the number on the parking spot after I got out of my car in the morning.  Kid has moments of brilliance, however fleeting.  I did this for a week or so and now I have just decided that taking out my phone that early in the morning is way too much work so I just park the damn car in the same row every day.  That way I am not wandering around looking at numbers and if my car is NOT in that row then someone “borrowed” it forever.  It is way too early to tell how this working outside of the house social experiment is going to go but on the plus side the location I work at has a Starbucks AND a sleep clinic.  Maybe I can get some help with the insomnia and if all else fails I can always move my desk into the Starbucks!

To Many Witty Titles - See Subtitles Below........

The "Running Rookie"

I am calling Lady Gazelle the "running rookie" here, this one time only for a chuckle, because this lady is no rookie.  She is a genuine athlete.  She does all types of athletic crazy shit like ride a bike for hours and hours (sore sit bones? yes?) and swim (yes, swim! Crazy as that is the woman willingly puts on a bathing suit and goes in actual water to exercise!  Swimming to me is strictly a matter of surviving if I ever find myself in water larger than a puddle.  I don't even call it "swimming"  I call it "get me the heck outta here before my hair gets wet".)  So me: Uncoordinated running turtle.  Lady Gazelle: Triathlete super freak.  It's just a matter of time before she pats me on the head at the beginning of the run and continues on with the other, long legged, accomplished runners.  Anyway, I am telling my rookie story because this may be the one and only time I can call her this and it was a funny story to tell over beers the night of the run......

Last weekend I left the route up to Gazelle.  We were scheduled to run one more kilometer than the week before so 11 long, arduous kilometers. My brain was so completely focused on just getting through 11 that when I was so informed that the route she had planned could take us over that I pretty much said "this body is stopping at 11"  (I literally could visualize myself, mid trail, stopping and pitching a three year old, all out legs flaying, arm swinging, hissy fit).  My partner so informed me that I was welcome to stop at 11 but I was still going to need to get my fat ass off the trail and back to the vehicle so I better just suck it up and get it done.   Well I'll be a monkeys uncle.  The honeymoon is over.  Gazelle is turning into a bossy, "gonna put hills in this route" running freak!  Well, we got it done.  Some parts being harder than others - like the freaking mountain ranges we had to climb.  We finished with a distance of 12.5 kilometers.  Lesson learned:  Never let the Overly Enthusiastic Running Rookie pick the route.  Side bar: Running sucks.  Finishing a run is the most amazing thing ever!

I Am Sure There Are Worse Things To Obsess Over??

I may or may not have a few "quirks" that I will completely deny if asked about.  Okay, I don't actually give a fat flyer if people know about some of them.  One of my quirks is my teeth.  Yes, If I could stand to look inside peoples mouths I would have become a dentist or an orthodontist.  Problem with this career was clearly the teeth are attached to people and I don't want to particularly have to deal with the people attached to the teeth.  If one could take the teeth out and leave them in a lab for me to fix and make pretty, I am all in.  That and don't forget that I am not all that much a fan of any type of bodily fluid.  Saliva qualifies as bodily fluid so this career got the red slash right away.  Anyway, back to my issue.  I am one of those freaks who love to go to the dentist for a cleaning (not for all that scraping shit, just for the clean teeth!)  If I could, I would get my teeth cleaned once a month.  I quite possibly over-brush my teeth because I can't stand furry teeth.  This blither leads me to last night.  I take the youngest to one of his gagillion practices and go into the arena to watch a bit of a game when I think to myself - "Damn, I have a piece of popcorn husk stuck in my tooth.  Damn that's a big piece of popcorn."  (Side note: I had popcorn for dinner, so alarm bells were not ringing.  YET).  I start walking to the ladies room and pulled the popcorn piece out and almost lost my mind!  I was standing in the lobby of the arena holding half of my freaking tooth!  In my hand!  I then, as you can imagine started freaking out!  My tooth!  What the hell.  Is the dentist working at 9:00 at night?  Can I Google him and find out where he lives?  Oh crap.  Well, it turns out half the crown I had on that tooth decided to leave and now I have exposed tooth roots and a screaming headache.  It was a perilous night and a panic call to the dentist this morning!  Thank goodness they squeezed me in this afternoon or I would be popping Ativan like M & M's.   Now to spend the day not eating or breathing in any cold air.  Goodness.....

Still to come......

Me working with actual humans, starting on Monday.
No one knows how this adventure is going to go!
and
Team Sotally Tober Fudder Muckers - you can only imagine....

Running - Because I am to spazzy to do any other workout activity!

My new running partner - before the injury!

A few months back I decided to break out of my hermit shell and join a local running club.  I realized that I was spending way, way to much time working and running by myself and I figured it was only a matter of time before I stopped leaving the house all together.  So outside I went to run with strangers.  Total strangers.  Talk about stepping outside my comfort zone!  When it comes to running, I tend to lean towards wanting to be alone so I can talk myself out of running the entire time (and curse.  A lot).  I am not going to sugar coat this adventure, the first few weeks of this run club I felt like a fish outta water.  Everyone seemed to be grouped up already and they did not seem to be accepting any new people into their elite running club.  Alas, by week three I met a running friend (who coincidently felt exactly the same way about the non-entry into the running clan).  I knew we were going to get along just fine when I asked her, about ten minutes after meeting her, if she was going to do the long run on Sunday.  Her reply: "No, I might be to hung over to run".  Well, bless her heart!   I aptly named my new running partner The Gazelle, soon after to be re-named The Wounded Gazelle.  A few weeks into the mileage adventure Gazelle injured her leg and while we never want our friends to be on the injury list, this turned out to be a bonus for me.  The Wounded Gazelle's injury pace was just perfect for me (she has legs ten miles long and I run on turtle stumps) so, it seemed, we got along just fine on the road too!  Now that my wild friend is recovered I swear I can see her struggling to keep turtle pace so I am going to have to find a way to run faster - or just meet her at the end of every run.   Now it seems, in a couple of months, we are going to run a 11km trail race around a lake somewhere that may or may not involve dirt.  Huh, funny what happens when you get out of the house.

Me - On a Trail Run

The Worlds Most Knowledgable Esthetician

A couple of weeks back a good friend and I booked appointments for much needed pedicures.  Much needed by her because the beeotch was going on a Mexican vacation shortly after (no jealousy here!) and I because all the miles I have put in running are completely destroying my feet!  This adventure is always one of the most exciting yearly activities for me.  Not only do we leave the spa with beautiful toes but we then proceed directly to a martini serving establishment which, in the past, has required us to call one of our off-spring to come get us because we won't drive under the influence of vodka!   This year was no different however it did include the introduction of the Most Knowledgeable Esthetician EVER......

Shortly after arriving at said spa, as per usual custom, the nail lady asks how short you want your nails.  I proceed to say "as short as possible so they don't turn black when I run".  To which starts a litany of unwanted exercise/shoe/nutrition/health advice!  Starting with "you know exercise isn't that good for you.  You are not going to lose weight exercising.  You should just change your diet."  Momma say what?  Hmmm.  First off, who said anything about running to lose weight?  Did I tell you I was on Weight Watchers?  No.  She then proceeded to tell me that she exercised in the past and it was super bad for her body and once she started eating better and NOT exercising that's when she lost weight.  Seriously.  I looked over at my friend in the next chair with her quiet, "not getting all up in your business" esthetician and she looked at me like "do you effing believe this?"  I couldn't.  All I really wanted to do was spend my time enjoying a nice glass of wine and having someone else paint my damn toes!  Well if Miss IKnowEverything doesn't then proceed to tell me that a.  I shouldn't run on pavement b.  I should buy shoes a size bigger and put cushiony insoles in them c. I should also put cotton balls in the toes of my one size bigger shoes so my toes don't get crushed and d. I am really fat (totally making this one up, but I can't lie, she did seem to be implying I was fat!).

Right at the start of this little adventure my soon to be sporting a suntan friend decided to intervene in order to prevent me from going from zero to "I am going to fuck you up with words lady" and took it upon herself to counter pretty much everything Miss University Degree in Everything had to say!  (This is what a good friend she is.  She took the liberty of intellectual knowledge slamming this lady so I could essentially check out mentally.  Possibly because she was soon to be sitting on a beach drinking all sorts of tequila and I would be sitting here in the rain, crying.)

The night turned out to be awesome.  Martinis, pretty blue toes and great company.  Oh and a story to tell.  Nothing wrong with all that!

(PS - Every single female type person I have told about this adventure gets extremely pissed off.  Mostly because the spa we went to is one of the most costly and one would expect better, more respectful service than that and one of the best parts of the pedicure experience is to relax and get a little pampered, NOT defend yourself and walk out feeling fat!)