Bathing Suit Shopping 2.0

Most women love to shop.  I am saying most because I, once upon a time, would go to the mall with a friend just to look at the new shoes and clothing, maybe grab a coffee and take my time looking at all the wonderful new fashions that came out each season.  I am not sure what happened but I now cannot stand shopping (I am going to blame kids for making shopping trips like a living hell AND for taking all your money).  I will now do hours’ worth of university paper writing, on line research first before I ever get in my car and go to a mall.  No, I don’t order the stuff on line because most of the time, as I have previously mentioned, the stuff looks wonderful on the models on line but when a real human tries the article on it is a scary nightmare (false advertising?).   In spite of all this I had to go out and buy a new bathing suit.  Just typing the words “shopping for a new bathing suit” make me shudder and whimper a little.  This was a necessary trip to the mall that took place just hours before leaving on Girls Weekend and because of this I was willing to go to the Gajillion Dollars for Very Little Fabric Swimsuit Store.  All I really needed, again, was a top that hid my stomach, made my boobs look fantastic (or like I even had any) and made me look super slim.  (PS – I would like a suit that also hides arm fat but that is called a turtle neck and I would have been laughed out of the spa!)  I found many a suit to try on and, after burning off at least a thousand calories and engaging in acts of shoulder dislocation just to get most of them off, I did find a top that covered most of the necessary bits.  The staff at We Will Take Your Gajillion Dollars for Fabric Scraps are extremely helpful and knowledgeable.  I would have been there for hours had I not gotten help.  I leave the shop with not only a bathing suit top but also Fat Hiding bathing suit shorts AND a much, much lighter wallet. 

Side bar – I have always been extremely self-conscious in a bathing suit.  Even before I started drinking craft beer and eating nachos – or had children.  Turns out the ladies at the spa (and even a few dudes) wear whatever the heck they want and let it all hang out.  Apparently it’s all about confidence and, I like to think, seriously not giving a fluff what other people think.  Way to go ladies out there rocking the bikini…… Mad respect!

Girls Weekend

Let me first start off by saying that although Girl’s Weekend has changed dramatically over the years, it is no less amazing now that we are older and allegedly wiser.  Girls weekend is, perhaps, a little more restful than ‘back in the day’.

'Haven" only when not cursing!

This past weekend I had the pleasure of going away to one of my favourite places in the entire world with a couple of my soul sisters.  It was quite possibly the most relaxing, stress free weekend I have had in a very long time (or ever, now that I am thinking about it!).  The three of us got along so well you would have thought we were roommates at one time.  It helped that we all have similar interests (reading, relaxing and people watching among the top three) and we are all pretty easy going and willing to just go with whatever plan happened to be decided upon.  Yes, gone are the days of going to the clubs and dancing until 2 am, eating pizza or hot dogs from the take out vendor who happened to be lucky enough to have license to be open after the bars closed and waking up with a killer headache/hangover only to stumble to the greasy, much needed, all day breakfast joint the next morning.  Now, as maturity sets in, the girl’s weekend consists of going to the spa for a much debated hot tub, cold tub, rest and repeat (It occurred to us after that this was probably a therapeutic load of nonsense and the staff at the spa most likely count their millions of dollars and watch all the idiots relax in the hot tub then silently scream in the freezing cold tub (or in my case yell out a curse word as quietly as humanly possible as I freak the eff out and run out of the damn spa version of Tough Mudders Artic Enema).

The retreat weekend also consisted of snacks (love snacks), walks (yes, in nature) and reading breaks that always started with good intentions and turned into girly gab sessions.    We all, of course, had a good laugh at the new, much more mature conversation that ensued – discussing what the hell is wrong with our children, our multitude of aches and pains and the various injustices of the world.  Not to be outdone by our younger, crazier selves I am happy to report that we did manage to commit a couple of crimes.  One wild illegal left hand turn on a highway AND a reprimand from the Silence Police at the Spa (Thanks for that Scrappy – pretty sure I won money in a bet for that one!)  Although Jack and I rolled our eyes every time we were yelled at to “Get in the photo!” we will be sincerely grateful to have pictures to look at years from now to remember this amazing weekend.

“Making Memories Ladies”

Theme song to follow……..

Habits - The Good, The Bad & The Unavoidable

I recently plowed through the book “The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg.  It was a really interesting read.  I did however, like I am sure every other reader, expect this book to tell me: 

1. That everything I am currently doing is an endless series of bad habits and;

2. Creative, fun ways to change those bad habits.

This is what I was thinking would come of it: beer consuming = running; eating bad food = eating fruit and vegetables; sitting on couch watching endless hours of Netflix = going to the gym and actually exercising.  Not that I participate in ANY of those terrible behaviours, however….. what I did learn was that humans are predisposed to creating and maintaining all sorts of habits and once ingrained, we stop realizing the things we are doing are even habits.  Common everyday things like your morning routines, what you do when you come home from work and even where you walk your dog.  There were definite guidelines at the end of the book about how to change an existing habit by first finding out what is driving that habit (the reward) and what you are doing before you start the habit (the cue).  The trick is to change the routine that falls in between the cue and the reward.  Immediately I came up with the brilliant idea of  Cue – get on scale/cry; go for a run (routine); drink delicious beer (reward).  Sounds good to me however the “go for a run” portion almost never happens (read-never happens) so I need to find creative tools to change the habit before I have to buy larger clothing!  Is it defeating the purpose to have a beer as the reward?  Of course I have over-thought this since finishing the book.  What if it was a beer for every kilometer?  Can you bank the kilometers and have the reward all week?  For example, I could run a lofty half marathon every single Sunday and drink 21.5 beers the rest of the week!  Huh. That’s beer for thought. 

At the end of the day I learned an awful lot about human behaviour and that I should totally have considered studying/researching human behaviour.  This is truly a career I was built for.  I am a curious (all be it opinionated) person who enjoys research of all kinds and would love to delve into the inner workings of what exactly makes humans tick.  The study of habit is fascinating in that people all over the world have habits – some very, very bad habits and some not so bad.  How can you change the habits of an overweight, couch potato to an Ironman athlete?  Is there a simple formula for habit change?  The book did talk about drive and will power and the tenacity for change but how much or how little does a human need to make the change?  Goodness, so many questions….. that I will need to ponder over a beer of course because if nothing else my mind is running!

Question of the Day.... Again..... I Think?

So this morning on my long commute to work I realized a couple of things.  One about me and the other about society/people/bad drivers.  First off, I get absolutely tense and irritated when people don’t follow the rules of the damn road!  I find myself gritting my teeth and death gripping my steering wheel the entire drive.  The only thing that calms the inner beast down is coming up with creative road signs for stupid drivers.  (If you see a news story about poorly made cardboard signs appearing on the side of the highway, I confess, that was me.  The only thing stopping me from completing this task is having to get up at 3 am to put the signs on the side of the highway so I won’t get caught!)   First sign will say: “Slower traffic keep right is NOT a suggestion!!  It’s a rule asshole.” 

Secondly, I absolutely do not understand people and the psychology around the bad driver.  I swear I think they are the only ones on the road or they slept through certain sections of their drivers test!  Why do we not retest people!  Back in the day you could flash people with your headlights if they were driving slowly in the fast lane.  I am pretty sure there are so many stupid people out there in cars that if you flashed your lights at someone they wouldn’t have a clue what you were doing!  I propose that every five years, when you have to renew your drivers license, you take a little online test called "Are you an Idiot on the road?"  If you fail, you have to take driving lessons to keep your damn license.

This all leads me to this morning.  I had the misfortune of having to follow a jackass all the way down the highway who was driving along in THE FAST LANE all the bloody way!  I got to about ten minutes before my turn off on the highway before I could get in the SLOW LANE and pass her!  Worst part?  She FINALLY moved into the slow lane JUST BEFORE her exit off the highway (which coincidentally ended up being the exact same exit I was taking).  So as I take my exit and see her behind me it dawns on me that she is most likely going to the same place I am to work and this is my opportunity to ask someone why the hell they think it’s okay to block effing traffic all the bloody way down the highway and only change freaking lanes just before your exit???  Yes, I parked and sorta stalked the offending car/human as it parked.  It was everything I could do to not stand in front of her car and ask this burning question.  I am going with one of two things – she feels entitled to drive in whatever lane she wants, whenever she wants (even though she was NOT driving a Dodge pickup truck – because clearly if you drive one of those you are allowed to drive wherever you want all the time!) OR she is shit scared to change lanes (in which case get your fraidy cat ass into the slow lane and STAY there!). 

That is the question of the day:  What possesses people to drive in the fast lane, blocking traffic, all the way down the damn highway right up until they have to change lanes and exit?  (PS if you happen to be one of these people and are just now realizing that you have been pissing people off with your driving for YEARS I really want to know what the hell you are thinking and where you got your driver’s license!)

Googling “relaxation sounds for angry drivers” cd’s next.

For now I leave you with a picture of Kitty.  In all his sarcastic glory!  

The Dirty Minds of People

So on January 1st of this year I introduced you to my new Grandkitty in a very, now much talked about, picture.  This is that picture:

I happen to love this picture.  It shows how fearless Kitty (yes, his name is Kitty) is against any evil.  It also depicts that he is guarding his zen habitat from wicked poultry (see Buddha in background) and it has all the elements of a great story........

Ya, in this case I suppose I was not thinking about how other people would see this - those who immediately go to that dirty, dirty place in their minds.  Apparently there are alternate names for the two creatures in the pictures and sometimes those things come together to have "special time".  This I did not see...... others definitely did.  

I will "family friendly" up my nature pictures from this point on - or have those dirty minded friends look at them first before posting!

The Patch

The most recent invention idea for the perfect world is…. wait for it….. the food patch!  Seriously, I know what you are thinking.  I am not crazytalking with this one!  If you can wear a patch to stop smoking could we not wear a patch for eating high calorie bad (read: delicious) food?  I realize that smoking patches send in a monitored does of nicotine therefore reducing cravings but the new Food Patch (witty name pending – Fatty Fat Patch probably wouldn’t go over very well!) would be tailored specifically to your food cravings.  You could get a fried food patch, chips/salty food patch, candy/sweet patch, cheese patch, delicious thirst quenching beer patch…. You get it.  I suppose there would be a whole lotta science required and some subsequent testing needed after but who would seriously not run to the pharmacy and buy a box of these as soon as it hit the shelves? 

I am pretty sure I will be a bajillionaire with this one.