What Your Momma Neva Told Ya.

Among a million other things my mom never told me was how freaking time consuming it is to wrap Christmas presents.  Why I insist on sitting on the floor to do this task is beyond me because, as I get older, the whole three hour wrap session gets harder and harder to do.  So here I sit after just two hours and my back is sore and my shoulders ache.  I have to admit this year, since I was doing this festive funstuff alone, I brought a little "Naked Grape" along for the ride.  Can't wait to see what the gift wrap looks like on the big day.  (Ya, Ya so I used copious amounts of tape.  Whatever.)

I shall dub thee said wine "Momma's Little Helper".

Thats what i'm talking bout.

Merry Christmas People.  Merry Christmas.

SIDE BAR:  I know I have a firm rule about booze blogging but I am sure in this case you all will forgive.  I KNOW you have all been there and if you say you haven't youd be a lyin. 

Christmas Shopping

It’s official. I am getting old. This week I went out on one of my first serious Christmas shopping missions of the season. My intent was to get it all done in one day. Ha, freaking, ha. It didn’t happen. This is where the old part kicks in (or majorly intolerant part – whatever). I can no longer stand shopping! Oh yes, I said it. Almost out loud! There were days, back in my youth, where I remember meeting a friend at the mall to “shop” and all we did was wander around and look at stuff, maybe have a coffee, then wander around and look at more stuff. There were times we did not even buy anything! Just shopped for the pure love of shopping. I believe I was an honorary member of some exclusive shopping club back then. (wait a minute…. Just realized I had no kids then and lots of time and wayyyy more money – revelation number one! What the heck was I thinking…. I digress…. ). Anyway, as I walked around the mall like a crazed woman buying Christmas presents, I realized many new (and remembered some not so new) things about myself.

1. I hate crowds.
2. Standing in line to buy something seems like an incredible waste of time.

3. The mall is to hot (or I am to lazy to carry my coat).

4. Shopping sucks even more if you have no clue what you are looking for.

5. There is not a single place, I have yet to find, in the mall food court where you can get a martini (which would make the shopping so much more tolerable). Wait: revelation number two – must open up a martini bar at the mall. I would be rich!

6. Shopping would be so much more enjoyable if I had an endless supply of cash.

7. Every toy purchased that takes more than 30 minutes to put together should come with a labour rebate, since time is money.

Well short rant really long, I did not get the shopping completed and had to extend my “not putting one foot in the mall after this date” cut off. My next venture out I will start out tipsy, bring someone along to hold my coat and purchases and wait till the mall is open until midnight and shop at 11 pm. That should do it. Oh, and forget Boxing Day sales. Not gonna happen.

The Turkey - How Timely......

I have been trying with all my creative muster to re-create a story told to me by my good friend Sam. I have spent countless hours in my car or in front of my computer trying to spin a funny web of words to make even just a teeny, tiny bit of this particular story humorous. The end result is, there is pretty much no way in hell that a story about finding a pulsating, maggot filled turkey in the freezer section of a fridge that has been unplugged for quite some time, can even remotely be told as funny or even amusing. I have tried. Typed many a draft. Every single time I even think about the smell that my friend Sam had hit her right smack in the face when she opened that freezer, I start dry heaving. Heck, I can’t even handle a little mold on cheese!

I have however been extremely successful in drumming up creative ways for her to get back at the person whose turkey it was. Mostly along the lines of mailing turkeys in various forms of decay to said person every single thanksgiving or Christmas (pick desired holiday). Just for fun I also thought it would be a hoot to send pictures of turkeys in the mail throughout the year. Anonymously of course. This tactic is used mostly so the poultry offender does not let their guard down throughout the year.

Oh, and Sam, she got the pleasure of cleaning out the fridge, freezer AND the apartment that housed the appliance. Ummm I had a better idea: matches.

My New Pen Name

It occurred to me this evening that it might be a fun little adventure to start signing my name under the alas Karma. Could you just see it? There have been so many situations (some occurring very recently) where I was unable or restrained enough not to fire off an email with EXACTLY what was on my mind and adding a little reminder about our dear friend and judicial partner, Karma, would help with the inner turmoil one goes through while trying to be polite. One such email sent this evening was a single line and was blunt and to the point (however the author was seething with sarcasm). It would have been so much nicer to sign that email off with the pen name Karma. Hows this for example:

Dear So and So (polite, no?)

The email you sent was most informative and very helpful. I do wish to point out that the unwritten cheque you so eloquently pointed out to the entire email group HAS been submitted and in fact was cashed. Some. Time. Ago.

Sincerely,
Karma

Or how about:

Dear Vindictive So and So,

Thank you for your kind words to us and the entire email group. I appreciate the time and effort it takes to create an email address list, fire up a computer and email people on a daily basis. I do however wish to point out that the content of your last email was entirely fabricated and although I do not wish to "reply all" a counter claim to your comments, I would like you to know that your words have been duly noted.

Regards,
Karma

I really think this new pen name will not only bring me joy it may also cause people to pause. And maybe think before writing? If only.....

But they are really little chocolate bars......

Freaking little tiny bites of goodness.  They are the root of all November poundage.  You ever just tried to eat one?  Our intentions are so good.  Look at these little tiny chocolate bars.  Aren't they cute?  They are so small there surely can only be 10 calories in each one.   We buy a bag (or bags) with wonderful intentions of rewarding ourselves each day by having just one.  I can't believe we speak the language of 'bullshit' even to ourselves!  Seriously.  Eat just one.  Come on.  You'll be lucky not to put back half the bag.  Those midget chocolate bars are evil. 

Next stop: Christmas cookies (and spirits - but I pretend those are calorie free!  Need I remind you that life is short?)

This One You Gotta Read!

I was reading the Blog of author Jen Lancaster yesterday and was shocked and surprised after being directed to an on-line article in Marie Claire. I had to read it twice. Twice I tell you. Here is a link to the article: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/overweight-couples-on-television
I have always been a huge fan of telling it like it is and understand that everyone has their opinions, however sarcastic and all that, but really lady? Are you freaking serious? There is such a huge internet backlash to this woman’s article that I would not be surprised if a sudden “sabbatical” comes her way.

Best part? Ole witty, Jen Lancaster put in her two cents: http://www.jennsylvania.com/

I couldn’t a said it better myself!

Another Blogger I follow provided her own rant if your interested: http://volcanicensemble.blogspot.com/2010/10/should-morons-get-voice-even-in-shitty.html