So as I get on in age and as the economy turns (cool soap opera name: As The Economy Turns) I keep thinking that I am getting a bit to old to go out, resume in hand, peddling my better work qualities to prospective employers. I think I am going to turn things around a little bit and be the interviewer, not the interviewee. This is a first draft of the ad I will be placing to find my dream job. If you have ever worked with me feel free to email particular quirks or a charming idiosyncrasy that I may have missed.
EMPLOYER WANTED: Apply within. Very tolerant employer with great sense of humor wanted for extremely hard worker with a teeny, tiny attitude issue.
Employer must be willing to provide more work than employee can possibly get done in a day in order to reduce boredom. Employer must keep employee busy and mentally stimulated at all times. If this condition is not met and employer lets guard down, paid napping and web shopping will ensue. If workload dimishes enough, employer will be cited for misuse of employee time and said employee will leave. Employee has better things to do (await delivery of above noted web shopping).
Employer must not require employee to conduct communication with other humans, of course unless they personally screen the humans for sense of humor and sarcasm tolerance, then communication will be considered. As well, employer must be willing to take honesty. Brutal honesty. If your outfit does not match, is flat out ugly, or really if you are breathing you open yourself up to honest critiquing, and it will be forthcoming. Reverse criticism is acceptable and encouraged.
Employer must be willing to overlook employees obsessive compulsive level of attention to detail and be willing to have even a quick note or email proof read for grammar, punctuation and spelling (past and present tense will be reviewed as well). That and if employee is given a beautiful, working IN box and you leave stuff on the chair, you open yourself up to a serious can of whooping. Employee will take responsibility for any and all mistakes made but will not, under any circumstances, take the crap for someone else’s incompetence.
Employer must not, under any circumstances, expect employee to become buddies with the other employees or go shopping on lunch break. Employee will be nice to the other employees - only if they do not present themselves in COW form, if that is the case, all bets are off. This employee is there to work, not eat and socialize. Coffee consumption completely different story and will be written into contract under Paid Mandatory Caffeine Break Article 2.2.
If you want to meet with employee you better be organized and your presentation of the information would best be kept in the most humorous way possible, again to reduce boredom. I expect to be entertained. My time is your money.
Employer must expect voicemail to be used or take your own calls. Babysitting is not a service employee offers. If your phone answering expectations are different than this, hire Mrs. Wiggins. If you don’t know who Mrs. Wiggins is, you are to young to be doing any hiring and get your ass back to the mailroom.
