So you all know about the red purse and my lost love. I officially met the absolutely most amazing red shoes that are the exact perfect match for my friends purse. I even devised a plan to steal them. The plan of course failed, mostly due to my lack of surveillance. This is how it went.
We attended a New Years Party at a friends house and after the required amount of polite eye contact I proceeded to check out the outfit choices and more importantly the shoes people were wearing (purses were missing - probably dumped on some bed with the coats - poor things - come on ladies, your purse is supposed to be a statement not a necessity). You honestly can tell a lot about people by their shoe choices (psychological study and book to follow regarding shoe purchasing and personality traits). Well the viewing was slim, some people (myself included) de-shoed at the door, so it did not take long at all. Well I happen to see this chick across the room who exuded sophistication and class and low and behold she is wearing The Red Shoes! They are a sight to behold by shoe lovers everywhere. I slide in for a closer look. Ohhhh they are sooo nice: open toed, the exact colour of red, just high enough to be sexy but not slutty and they made her feet look like a size 5! Oh dear. I move to the inner circle and introduce myself to Dorothy from Oz and another pretty girl I will call You Look To Young to Have a Teenager (Yup, I realize I am out of my element here but hey, they did not tell me to go away. Although they may have wanted to?). We chat a bit and I happen to mention to Dorothy that I really love her shoes and "um, what size are your feet?". She politely tells me she is a size 8. I smile wickedly and while Dorothy is distracted I tell To Young that I was planning to finish my beer and hit Dorothy over the head with the empty bottle and would she mind clearing a path for me. "But why?" she asks all curious and stuff. I guess I thought she might just have been on the same page as me about the shoes (or at least drunk) so I tell her. "I'm going to knock her out with my beer bottle, tear off her shoes and get the hell out of here." She actually chuckles. Dorothy comes back into the circle of fun and To Young proceeds to tell her about my plan. Oh crap. I had better find my people and get the hell out before I get bitch slapped. I anxiously await at least a f u from Dorothy but alas she kills herself laughing and hugs me? What? Sister, did you not hear the part about me hitting you in the head and knocking you out? Dorothy says to me "Oh my goodness, you are the first person to openly plan to steal my shoes. Most people just ask for them." Huh, does that make me smarter then the other chicks? I don't know. Dorothy actually asks me what size shoe I wear and I say usually a 8 depending on water retention and how many cookies I have eaten that week (all the while I am wondering if she wants to give them to me, give them to me, give them to me.... saying it in my head over and over did NOT work). She looks down and says "Where are your shoes?" (I interject here because I am almost sure she grimaces when she looked down at my feet. Not only was I shoeless but I was wearing white running socks! Not a pretty sight! In my defence I thought everyone would be pretty pickled by the time we arrived at the party so I chose comfort over fabulous.) I tell Dorothy that my boots (a lie) were down stairs (they were DC runners) and that I thought we had to take them off at the door. (Another lie: last year I wore a brand new pair of brown boots I had just had shipped to me - to the same party!) This is where my shoe theft plan failed miserably and I was forced to learn another one of those life lessons: Whenever you are going to devise a devious plan, make sure you check every one out first before shooting your mouth off. It seems I was not patient enough in my planning stage to observe long enough. Too Young and Dorothy are BEST FRIENDS! To make matters worse, Dorothy bought the shoes LAST YEAR and I am positive they cannot be purchased any more! Maybe my New Years Resolution should be to be a more patient observer? Or Ask Questions Before Speaking? Do you think it would be obvious at this point if I found out where Dorothy lives and liberated those red shoes? Hmmm, maybe I will stalk her for a bit and make her become my new bff (hate that acronym but alas it cuts down on typing the actual words) and ask to borrow them and then leave town. Or maybe I should just wait till next New Years and ask her for the darn things. Hey, Fabulous Red Purse - Momma's coming to get you baby!
