I do have to tell you that I got a couple of hours to myself on Sunday and thought it may be an appropriate time to look for a bathing suit. This is big…… the story AND my ass. I have no kids to rush me so I am ready, willing and able to try on anything. Sad really. I go through Sears and they have all the summer stuff 50 to 75 % off. Yippeee. I can mix and match tops and bottoms. Small top – big bottom. Excellent. Shopping trip success already!
Ya, not so much. Do you think I could find two pieces that match? No way. I did find a couple but oh no, they were not for me. Whats with the lights in those changing rooms. Do I really look that fat in real life? What the hell happened to my body? Depression is starting to kick in – and its early.
So I leave. Whatever, Sears has cheap crap anyway. I want a magic bathing suit. You know, the kind they put in all the magazines when they have the “Best Suit for Your Body Type” articles. Can’t get those at Sears.
The Mall has a new bathing suit place so I go in. Depression gets deeper upon walking in. Yes, they have the cutest Hurley and Billabong suits but I am afraid that the sizes available would not fit a 8 year old child. I pretend I am in the “girls” section and move on to the old lady stuff. That is what it has come to. I finally find one tankini set that looks ok. However, tankini sets have always been an issue with me and the long, monkey body I inherited from some primitive in my family tree (ha ha tree – very ironic) I give the suit a shot. The lighting in the bathing suit store is better, it is the new Hyrdo approved cellulite reduction lighting I am going to install in my bathroom next week. The lighting great, the suit not so great. Can’t they make tankini tops for long people? Needless to say the top and the bottom don’t meet and I am faced with some kinda ick that I will not gross you out with. I rummage through the purse for antidepressants. Damn. Don’t have any. I leave. I don’t even look for another suit to try on. I hit a few other stores looking for something, anything I could be comfortable in for a day at the waterslides or the beach. NOTHING.
I go to Walmart. No, I did not look at the suits there. I buy a new mascara.
Want to know what my mom said when I told her last week I was looking for a new suit? What’s wrong with the ones you have? Well, mom – remember when I was a kid and could not wear any of those one piece ugly pantsuits or overalls that were big back in the day? That’s what is wrong with my suits! The top of the bottoms does not reach to bottom of the top, therefore nullifying the tankini, hide your stomach effect. Ohhhh, she says. “Well, why don’t you just sew some lace on the bottom of the top so they meet up” (I put that in quotes because that is truly, honestly exactly what she said! OH MY GOD! Where do I start with that. Who is this woman? Certainly NOT my mother!) So I tell her. “First of all I am trying to COVER my stomach not have a peekabo show with the fat. Secondly, I am about 30 years to old to have lace on the bottom of anything I wear. And thirdly, WHAT the heck are you thinking! When was the last time you saw a bathing suit with lace sewn on the bottom of it?”
My mom is crazy. However, I have replayed this little conversation we had over in my head and it makes me laugh. A LOT. I might just take one of my old suits, buy some pink lace, sew it on and take a picture with me wearing it for my mom. Of course I will put pig tails in my hair for the full effect.
Whew, thanks for letting me off load that story. I have not told anyone yet. I’m not to sure how many people would get the humor in the lacy tankini!
Your depressed friend
