One of the things in life I absolutely despise doing is getting an oil change done on my car. It's not that I don't love my car or want to take car of it. The problem lies first in that the minute those greese monkeys at Mr. Lube see a chick pull in they start rubbing their hands together like Donald Trump at a real estate sale. So I pull in and have been identified as an easy mark right from the get go. If that's not bad enough I then have to endure the most recent graduate of "the school of upselling". This entails hearing how my car would benefit from a more expensive oil because "the gaskets in your engine are getting old". Really buddy, what do I look like Paris Hilton, my gaskets would benefit most if you shut your pie hole and just put a couple a bottles of that nice regular oil in the reservoir and I will be in my merry way. I had the pleasure this trip of being notified that my engine light was on. Not shit Shirlock, that sucker has been on for months. So I politely told the university degree greese monkey that yes, indeed the light is on and when I hooked up the scope to the car it informed me I needed to replace my oh two sensor (nicely spelled don't ya think). Well, Mr. Monkey gave me a look like I just told him my car had a second world war land mine hidden in the trunk and didn't ya know he would be able to get me the part for that. I said it wasn't a problem, I could pick up the part and do it myself (shout out here to UTube!). Well, he says "the engine can get really hot and we have special heat resistance gloves for that job." I very politely say "Really! Hot! Well, how bout I just wait for the engine to cool then?" University monkey realized right then that I was not a commission earning jackpot and had to suddenly "fix his computer" and pawned my oil change off on the Junior Monkey. Nice. So I politely tell poor Junior that I just want a regular ole oil change. I will change my own air filter, cabin filter and go to the nearest auto parts store for that pesky oh two sensor. Really dudes? Some of us ladies know what a piston and a gasket is. Seriously!
This post, as you can imagine, will be filed under the ever growing "If I ruled the world" folder (for future reference of course because you never know when THAT job posting is going to come up!) My recommendations? How about a Mrs. Lube? I will happily help with the start up. First course: "How to talk to a woman with a little respect Jerk Face!"
March 28, 2013
March 7, 2013
Gunfight At The House of Sand And Dirt
Yes you read that right. There's gonna be a show down. A gunslinging, name calling, red neck gun fight. Oh ya baby. It's on! Wait... you probably want to know why?? And with whom? Well let me tell ya a little story (like you could stop me!)...
At around 12:30 pm last night almost our entire family was woken up by a loud, very strange noise coming from above us. I say almost all the family because apparently the youngest money sucker was so tired he slept through the entire ordeal, which in hindsight was probably good because he would have ended up wound up like an eight day clock and would never had gotten back to sleep. Anyway, the old fella hopped outta bed to investigate the noise which sounded shockingly like a pack of angry beasts in our attic thumping, chewing and destroying everything in its wake. I, having heard this noise a few other times, didn't bother getting out of bed. What the heck was I going to do anyway? Fret like a girl? No way baby. Last time this noise happened I called the old boy and he assured me it was a crow on the roof. Well lookey here. Pretty sure the old boy was starting to quickly believe me when I said that had to be a two hundred pound crow to make that racket. So the old boy, deciding against sticking his head through the attic hatch, goes outside with the awake money sucker, who was brandishing a very sinister looking hockey stick as his weapon of choice, to find out what kinda nasty beast is trying to tear our roof apart. I meanwhile stayed put for a bit hoping it was roof, fixer elves because if we didn't need a new roof before this adventure we certainly would now! After not hearing any whistle while you work song I decided to half assed join the fun. I got up and opened the bedroom blind only to see an unidentifiable creature streak below the window at a breakneck speed. All I could think was what the hell was that? Speedy the Possum? I was awake now so I went downstairs to see the old fella with a broken axe handle and a flashlight and the hockey stick wielding ninja boy freaking out because there was a extra large, thanks for leaving your garbage bin open every night, raccoon illuminated by the flashlight. The buggar did not even bother to take off. Just gave them the back ally stare down and dared the two of them to come on up and lets see what you can do with those sticks you have in your hands! Hockey ninja decides to take evasive action and grabs a couple of tennis balls and a lacrosse ball. That should do it. Hockey ninja apparently missed his called as a major league baseball player because he hits the sucker right in the face with a ball! What does the wicked masked roof wrecker do? Gives the two of them a dirty look and proceeds, ever so leisurely, to another section of the roof! Like he pays the mortgage and has every right to be up there! Well the unmasked, bedheaded humans will have nothing of it so they proceed to hit the sucker a few more times with balls (alll the while I am walking from window to window trying to figure out what the hell the two of them are doing). Roof wrecker decides he has had enough of this after being hit in the face three times and makes his way off the roof and lumbers over to the neighbours yard.
At around 12:30 pm last night almost our entire family was woken up by a loud, very strange noise coming from above us. I say almost all the family because apparently the youngest money sucker was so tired he slept through the entire ordeal, which in hindsight was probably good because he would have ended up wound up like an eight day clock and would never had gotten back to sleep. Anyway, the old fella hopped outta bed to investigate the noise which sounded shockingly like a pack of angry beasts in our attic thumping, chewing and destroying everything in its wake. I, having heard this noise a few other times, didn't bother getting out of bed. What the heck was I going to do anyway? Fret like a girl? No way baby. Last time this noise happened I called the old boy and he assured me it was a crow on the roof. Well lookey here. Pretty sure the old boy was starting to quickly believe me when I said that had to be a two hundred pound crow to make that racket. So the old boy, deciding against sticking his head through the attic hatch, goes outside with the awake money sucker, who was brandishing a very sinister looking hockey stick as his weapon of choice, to find out what kinda nasty beast is trying to tear our roof apart. I meanwhile stayed put for a bit hoping it was roof, fixer elves because if we didn't need a new roof before this adventure we certainly would now! After not hearing any whistle while you work song I decided to half assed join the fun. I got up and opened the bedroom blind only to see an unidentifiable creature streak below the window at a breakneck speed. All I could think was what the hell was that? Speedy the Possum? I was awake now so I went downstairs to see the old fella with a broken axe handle and a flashlight and the hockey stick wielding ninja boy freaking out because there was a extra large, thanks for leaving your garbage bin open every night, raccoon illuminated by the flashlight. The buggar did not even bother to take off. Just gave them the back ally stare down and dared the two of them to come on up and lets see what you can do with those sticks you have in your hands! Hockey ninja decides to take evasive action and grabs a couple of tennis balls and a lacrosse ball. That should do it. Hockey ninja apparently missed his called as a major league baseball player because he hits the sucker right in the face with a ball! What does the wicked masked roof wrecker do? Gives the two of them a dirty look and proceeds, ever so leisurely, to another section of the roof! Like he pays the mortgage and has every right to be up there! Well the unmasked, bedheaded humans will have nothing of it so they proceed to hit the sucker a few more times with balls (alll the while I am walking from window to window trying to figure out what the hell the two of them are doing). Roof wrecker decides he has had enough of this after being hit in the face three times and makes his way off the roof and lumbers over to the neighbours yard.
After the Coon Warriors got back in the old boy and I had a chuckle about our families weapons of choice. An axe handle, a hockey stick and we figure the other two would have a hockey stick and Xbox games to be used as ninja stars. Oh ya, we are a resourceful bunch over here. My weapon? Of course words would never work on this enemy so I would go with the nearest large object or rocket launcher that I have saved up for the summer time fun.
The next morning the old boy does a roof inspection to see how much damage the little buggar managed to do and I go online to order cammo gear and face paint for the family. You gotta be prepared when going into war.
This Coon does not know what he is asking for trying to turn our attic into his own personal Penthouse. You see we have just spent the last two weeks watching back to back to back to back episodes of Duck Dynasty. We my friends have our red neck on!
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