New Screws? (Post not rated R - Really!)

Today I read a report that Apple is putting new screws in it's most recent I Phones and I Pods so that independent companies cannot change the battery in their devices. This essentially forces a person to take their device back to Apple so they can charge you a ridiculous amount of money to put a new battery in. I myself researched the idea of getting a new battery put into my I Pod and was shocked to find that for a bit more money I could just buy a new one. What is that? Would this be the newest version of the old phrase “Putting the screws to ya”? How about we re-phrase to: “Putting the I Screws to ya”.

Ten Reasons Being Sick Sucks

1.  You can’t hear a damn thing – oh wait, this could be also on the not so bad list– which is to short to annoy people with.

2.  At any given moment you are nearly homicidal – just ask me one more time “whats wrong”.

3.  Your head is in a fog so much its like an unwelcome out of body experience.

4.  You lose the will to do your hair.

5.  You always, always gain the “sick weight” back with the “I feel sooo much better” comfort foods you stuff in after you start to feel better. 

6.  You can’t “cancel” everything and spend four days in bed.

7.  No matter how sick you are someone always seems to be way sicker and feel way worse than you (eh hem – men).

8.  You know deep down the germ infested toothbrush had better go but you are too lazy to get a new one.

9.  Your best impersonation of Rudolph the Snot Nosed Reindeer surfaces. (Is there a more sophisticated word for snot?  How about Mucus or Human Slime?).

10.  When your momma finds out you are sick she tells you to stay the hell away, she doesn’t need your ugly germs (she is still willing, however, to dispense the same advice year after year.  Vitamin C? ugggg)

The "Official" Most Depressing Day of the Year

You read that right.  Today is officially "Blue Monday".  Some brilliant person actually came up with a formula for todays date.  Here it is: "Weather, plus debt, minus salary, multiplied by the time since Christmas to the time since failure to fulfill New Year's resolutions."  They also go on to mention the effect of sunlight on the depression factor.  Hello.  This one was kinda a no brainer.  Of course by the third week of January all the bills from the Christmas overspending are coming in, we have already gone back to eating potato chips and drinking wine for our 8 p.m. snack and working out?  Please!  And the sun?  What freakin sun?

To add to this: some are going to get a monthly reminder of this when their newly signed gym membership bill comes in the mail or gets ripped from your account every month!  Shouldn't there be a Optimistic Idiot Clause in every gym contract signed in January?

And so the year begins....

Over the last couple of days I have to confess I am finding very little humor in anything. Crappy weather, not enough sleep, grumpy people, back to work, back to commuting to work, back to trying to find a parking spot at work, back to juggling three sports events in one day, back to the alarm going off at some nasty, unnatural hour and the cherry on top: back to trying to get the delinquents to do some homework. Seriously thinking of becoming a “nature journalist” whose central focus is, of course, warm climates and umbrella drinks. I have my Grump on that’s for sure. The running commentary going through my head right now involves some words I can’t say but they include I don’t give a fat flying…..

So if I am asked some time in the near future what I think of something, please don’t take my answer personally. There is a good chance I might just say what comes to mind and it isn’t looking to promising that it might be all sunshine and roses. Unless of course you are asking how I feel about having won the lottery. That will be a completely different answer. One can still hope, right? 

A Year In Review

The other night I recalled a message I posted last year around this time about how 2010 was going to be a great year and all that New Year’s pomp and circumstance. After I scoffed about that little prophecy (I am still not quite sure the year rocked like I had envisioned) I got to thinking about 2010. Of course, being the sarcastic human I was raised to be, I immediately went to some of the lessons I had the pleasure of learning throughout the last 12 months.  Here a just a few:

Friends are fleeting – it is important to always do a reality check and make sure the friends you keep are healthy for you and the relationships are not one sided.

People lie – yes, it’s true. Not only that, if you have someone in your life who is a liar I hate to break it to you, they will always, forever be liars.

Maturity is a perception – so many times in the past 12 months I have been reminded that the lessons we tell our preschoolers about telling on others, not acting like a whiner and treating people how you want to be treated are things that we may need to remind grown adults as well. Shocking revelation this one.

Just when you think humans are capable of change, they do something so epically stupid you are reminded that change is not an easy task to accomplish.

Racism is, has always been and always will continue to be ugly.  From what I have seen this past year my only hope is that at least some of the worlds children are being taught about the evils of racism and it will be those children who will run the world.  Really at the very least whatever happened to "walking in someones shoes".  Some parents should be seriously ashamed.  Remember do unto others?

Although I thought I had evolved mentally over the years, I am often reminded that I am going to be forced to repeat life’s lessons over and over and over until I learn the freakin lesson. Crap.

Boys – Ewwww. Need I say more?

The year also brought many moments that renewed my faith in all that is awesome. I cling to these memories as they are the only thing preventing me from running off and joining the circus.  Here is a few of the good ones:

Great times and conversations with friends and neighbours – including Martini sampler nights, crap we forgot to make dinner nights, amazing "what are we going to do when we win the lottery" conversations with the members of the "Street of Dreamers" and going for coffee/drinks and coming out many hours later.

A dear friends wedding – In this case, yes, love conquers all. Sappy, no?

The milestone of your teenager learning how to drive – yes, scary people (currently trying to find a loophole around the ‘experience driver’ not being drunk) but alas this is an exciting first step towards car buying and packing belongings in said car and getting their own place to stink up. Happy days are ahead.

Walking doggies in the river – Best. Thing. Ever. – cheapest therapy I know.

Friends discovering the amazing Blackberry Messenger.

The revolutionary E-Reader and all the books, fabulous books.

Finding little bits of joy in the simplest things, even when negativity attempts to squash all the joy.

Cats.
Sunshine.
Full tank of gas.
A hell, lets throw in a rainbow (martini) just to top things off.

Although there is much more, in both categories, this is what I can conjure up for now. Even though sarcasm reins and I anticipate the first part of 2011 to be a challenge, I am choosing to think that it is going to be a great year. Yes I am.