Running - Because I am to spazzy to do any other workout activity!

My new running partner - before the injury!

A few months back I decided to break out of my hermit shell and join a local running club.  I realized that I was spending way, way to much time working and running by myself and I figured it was only a matter of time before I stopped leaving the house all together.  So outside I went to run with strangers.  Total strangers.  Talk about stepping outside my comfort zone!  When it comes to running, I tend to lean towards wanting to be alone so I can talk myself out of running the entire time (and curse.  A lot).  I am not going to sugar coat this adventure, the first few weeks of this run club I felt like a fish outta water.  Everyone seemed to be grouped up already and they did not seem to be accepting any new people into their elite running club.  Alas, by week three I met a running friend (who coincidently felt exactly the same way about the non-entry into the running clan).  I knew we were going to get along just fine when I asked her, about ten minutes after meeting her, if she was going to do the long run on Sunday.  Her reply: "No, I might be to hung over to run".  Well, bless her heart!   I aptly named my new running partner The Gazelle, soon after to be re-named The Wounded Gazelle.  A few weeks into the mileage adventure Gazelle injured her leg and while we never want our friends to be on the injury list, this turned out to be a bonus for me.  The Wounded Gazelle's injury pace was just perfect for me (she has legs ten miles long and I run on turtle stumps) so, it seemed, we got along just fine on the road too!  Now that my wild friend is recovered I swear I can see her struggling to keep turtle pace so I am going to have to find a way to run faster - or just meet her at the end of every run.   Now it seems, in a couple of months, we are going to run a 11km trail race around a lake somewhere that may or may not involve dirt.  Huh, funny what happens when you get out of the house.

Me - On a Trail Run

The Worlds Most Knowledgable Esthetician

A couple of weeks back a good friend and I booked appointments for much needed pedicures.  Much needed by her because the beeotch was going on a Mexican vacation shortly after (no jealousy here!) and I because all the miles I have put in running are completely destroying my feet!  This adventure is always one of the most exciting yearly activities for me.  Not only do we leave the spa with beautiful toes but we then proceed directly to a martini serving establishment which, in the past, has required us to call one of our off-spring to come get us because we won't drive under the influence of vodka!   This year was no different however it did include the introduction of the Most Knowledgeable Esthetician EVER......

Shortly after arriving at said spa, as per usual custom, the nail lady asks how short you want your nails.  I proceed to say "as short as possible so they don't turn black when I run".  To which starts a litany of unwanted exercise/shoe/nutrition/health advice!  Starting with "you know exercise isn't that good for you.  You are not going to lose weight exercising.  You should just change your diet."  Momma say what?  Hmmm.  First off, who said anything about running to lose weight?  Did I tell you I was on Weight Watchers?  No.  She then proceeded to tell me that she exercised in the past and it was super bad for her body and once she started eating better and NOT exercising that's when she lost weight.  Seriously.  I looked over at my friend in the next chair with her quiet, "not getting all up in your business" esthetician and she looked at me like "do you effing believe this?"  I couldn't.  All I really wanted to do was spend my time enjoying a nice glass of wine and having someone else paint my damn toes!  Well if Miss IKnowEverything doesn't then proceed to tell me that a.  I shouldn't run on pavement b.  I should buy shoes a size bigger and put cushiony insoles in them c. I should also put cotton balls in the toes of my one size bigger shoes so my toes don't get crushed and d. I am really fat (totally making this one up, but I can't lie, she did seem to be implying I was fat!).

Right at the start of this little adventure my soon to be sporting a suntan friend decided to intervene in order to prevent me from going from zero to "I am going to fuck you up with words lady" and took it upon herself to counter pretty much everything Miss University Degree in Everything had to say!  (This is what a good friend she is.  She took the liberty of intellectual knowledge slamming this lady so I could essentially check out mentally.  Possibly because she was soon to be sitting on a beach drinking all sorts of tequila and I would be sitting here in the rain, crying.)

The night turned out to be awesome.  Martinis, pretty blue toes and great company.  Oh and a story to tell.  Nothing wrong with all that!

(PS - Every single female type person I have told about this adventure gets extremely pissed off.  Mostly because the spa we went to is one of the most costly and one would expect better, more respectful service than that and one of the best parts of the pedicure experience is to relax and get a little pampered, NOT defend yourself and walk out feeling fat!)

Vegetables, Back Fat & A Wake Up Call

My good friend Hawkgirl suggested last week that I watch the movie Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead.  Well, if that isn't a sign from my friend that perhaps the storage of winter fat I am sporting might be reaching epic proportions!  I watched said movie and then promptly watched the next movie Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead 2 (creative name?).  If those movies don't make you, at the very least, run to the produce market and buy some shit ass kale, I don't know what will!  I mean really, every single one of us knows that our bodies run better on healthy food but vegetables?  Yuck.  There are very few vegetables that I would just die to eat!  My death row meal will absolutely NOT have a single vegetable in it (because what the hell, ya leavin anyway!)  So Hawkgirl and I start a vegetable experiment: Replace one meal a day with a smoothie/juice a day that consists of mostly vegetables with the grand plan of working our way up to two a day.  Three days in I am completely SOLD on this vegetable/fruit eating crap and have proceeded to two smoothies a day!  This is the best way to punch vegetables in without actually eating/tasting them!  By day four my oldest money sucker thought I had ingested six cups of espresso for breakfast, I had that much energy!  I even think that, come summer, I might just replace beer/wine/spirits with a kale infused vodka laced beverage!  Everyone will sit around judging the crap out of me and thinking I am one pair of Birkinstocks away from Veganville, all the while wondering why I am so wasted!  Win.  Bloody.  Win.

I will report back long term findings of this experiment. 

(PS - If I EVER suggest to any of you that I might want to live on a farm and grow my own vegetables PLEASE stage an intervention.  That would be crossing way over the line because hello - dirt!)

(PSS - Just in case you wondered what my death row meal would be, right now it would be poutine at Zogs in Whistler at 2:00 am.)

Fries and Running - A Message to Mr. Fitness Freak

A short time ago a fit friend of mine posted this ridiculousness on Facebook:

Well, jokes on you Fitness Freak, if this was meant to be a deterrent to eating french fries you would be all sorts of wrong!  When I saw this post I almost cried!  All I have to do is run just a hair under six kilometers to have, what appears to be, a large fries!  I am in!!!!  Lesson learned Mr. I Am So Fit, next time you post stuff to get people to stop eating bad food take a look at your audience because oh baby I am going to start a new workout routine by running my fat ass right down to the McDonalds! 

In Case You Ever Doubted My Sanity

Just as a small aside to the other wonderful things I have to write.  Here is a little glimpse into what may or may not go on in my head at any given time......

It was Christmas Eve and a group of family members were on their way to come and celebrate the season with us (in kid speak this means "open presents a day early" and in adult speak this means "another excuse to eat shitty food and drink beverages").  It was decided early in the planning stages that this would be an appetizer night since we were all due to be eating the carb mother load the very next day.  Of course no appetizer night is the same without a trip to Costco for extra large boxes of frozen regret.  This is where it was decided that breaded calamari might be fun (Seriously, can you all read between the lines on this one?  Who makes their own breaded calamari?  That shit has to be fried beside the french fries and mac and cheese balls for the optimum amount of grease and artery hardening properties!)  Well if I don't read the fine print on the box (see pic below) just before loading them in the oven and see the most magical, happy rhyming words I have ever seen!  This made my entire night!   Say it with me:

Rings & Tentacles!

Isn't that the funniest thing you have ever read/said out loud! I must have said this amazing phrase a million times over the next few days.  Every time someone asked me a question I added a "Rings & Tentacles" to my answer (In my head of course.  If it had been out loud I would be writing this from a padded room.  Obviously.)  I actually found myself singing this phrase over and over.  If I ever take up meditation this will be my Ohmmmm phrase, which in hindsight might not be a good idea because I can't help but laugh every time I say it!  Might just name my next cats Rings (who will obviously have stripes) and Tentacles (physical properties of this cat are currently eluding me, mostly because when I hear the word tentacles I, of course, think octopus so....)

Anyway, watch for a Rings & Tentacles Day.  It could happen.

ACTUAL box of calamari!

Which were gross.  If you want to kill

yourself eating this stuff

go to a restaurant.  Might just as well

order the fried mac and cheese

balls too!  No wait!

EAT VEGETABLES