Goodness, where to start?

I have a TON of stuff to write about.  Most is so funny.  I just need to stop and put sentences together that all relate to one single topic, all in their own paragraphs with headings that relate to the topic and mostly so that I make sense to others because the jumbled up stuff makes complete sense to me (see, just there, I created a run on sentence that doesn't make sense.  I do that a lot.  Thank goodness for editing or every post would be like that without a single bit of punctuation or paragraph structure.)  Geez.  I would like to start by saying; "Happy Thank Heck Christmas Is Over!" and a "Happy New Year" even though this is not the actual new year to me because the new year actually starts in September when everything new starts, like school, sports and winter hair. 

Stories to come:

Babysitting a four year old.  Story includes birth control and duct tape.  (I have kept texts on my phone to various people for the sole purpose of reporting/recording this adventure.)

Breaking one of my most serious life rules and the struggle within.  (This includes beer, the pub, sacred ground and children.)

Finding a messed up author who writes like I speak and is just as clearly screwed up.  She writes what I often say in my head but am not brave enough to do, mostly because I don't want to use the word "vagina" out loud in front of respectable people. (Or the efff word because..... I don't know.  Maybe I might offend?  It's a conundrum.)

The cat/kid dilemma.  Because cats are awesomer than kids and easier (unless cleaning up fur ball puke is an issue for you - then stick with the kid.... or not..... we will talk.... later.... over wine.)

Where the name "Doochy Buck Nuts" came from and how universal it is and how many times it can really be used. 

Why it is actually a good parenting tool to tell each one of your kids at various times where they "rate" on your love and affection scale.  As in "ya, you are number one right now son.  Don't fuck up or you will be demoted to third place".  Of course, after doing the stupid Mudder thing I adopted two beautiful girls, who are always jockeying for first and second, and a pack of new boys who are at the top spots mostly because I don't have to clean up after them and I think they are awesome.  Kids you don't have to live with are so much better than ones you have to live with.  On that note it is important to tell the ones who think your wallet belongs to them how much better the other ones are.  Gives them something to work towards.

Why my career as a "Beer Blogger" has to come to a stop.  (Think can't afford new wardrobe in size so bloody big.  If I could just ask the beer to just make my boobs bigger and leave the rest of me alone we would still have a contract.  As it stands, Beer Blogger will have to be put on the back burner for now. )

Enjoy this last day of the year and take my advice: if you make a stupid new years resolution DON'T TELL ANYONE!  That way you don't look like a failure/loser at the end of January when you start eating fried foods, drinking, stop working out or any of that other shit we all resolve not to do, or do.  Just tell people you are going to try to stop being an asshole next year (Notice I put in TRY.  Key word to get out of actually doing anything.  Brilliant, no? )  Then, next month, when some asshat says "How is your new years resolution going?", you can say "I TRIED to not be an asshole but I didn't really like it so I went back to my old asshole ways......"  and other sentences that you would like to add depending on the askee.

Insomnia Has its Perks???

Even I had trouble typing the heading.  As you might have guessed from previous posts, I do not sleep much.  During stressful times I sleep even less.   That being said, I was up a couple of nights ago pacing the "track" from the kitchen to the family room to the living room and back when I noticed a fella walking briskly to my neighbours house across the way.  Well, this is something interesting!  So of course I stopped the walking and started the watching.  I figured he was going to my neighbours house at 2:15 am for one of two reasons:  to visit?? or to do something he really outta not be doing.  I watch as Buddy tries the doors on all three vehicles and then moves on to the car in the next neighbours house!  Huh.  Perhaps I should alert someone?  I jump back on the Insomnia Track and get the phone from the kitchen and call the police while walking back to my perch in the front window.  As I am doing this ole Buddy Bad Guy has now proceeded to check about ten car doors in five neighbours driveways and is on his way to my house to pay a visit!  This is the point in the story where I want to say I ran outside with the road hockey stick that is propped up at my front door (Yes, a hockey stick in my house.  Youngest Money Sucker is pushing the envelope daily with what he gets away with and what his brothers got away with.  THAT is another post.  A really long one.)  Anyway, I am sure you are all envisioning me running outside, hockey stick flying all over the place, hair everywhere, no shoes on, pajamas flapping in the wind?  I would have then proceeded to smack Buddy Bad, Bad Guy in the head with the hockey stick all the while screaming "this is my car you just put your grubby, germ infested, no good germs on asshole!"  (Seriously did not touch the door handle the next day.  Bad guy germs have to be worse then just regular guy germs.  Just guessing.)    Alas, I was on the phone with the dispatcher sorta freaking out.  She was gently trying to get a detailed description out of me while I watched him walk across the lawn and proceed to check the door handles on the vehicles in our driveway.  He was literally 7 feet away from me!  I could not believe that he did not see me standing smack in the middle of the front window on the phone with the cops.  I guess on the plus side, Buddy "Hope you got Busted" is so focused on his job that he did not notice his surroundings.  Perhaps he can find a freaking legitimate job to focus his energy and attention to detail on.  Big jerky asshole.  Anyway, the old boy hears my squealing on the phone and figures out what is going on before even coming downstairs.  He, ever the tough guy, runs outside with a big flashlight (strangest weapon choice but what can I say, I was going to use a hockey stick) and proceeds to try to find Buddy.  About 5 short minutes later the police drive up at mock speed (which I appreciated because had they driven up at 30 km I would have not thought they were very concerned) and tell us that one of their coworkers was "talking to a guy".  In my head that means they caught the bad guy and losing almost an entire nights sleep was worth it.  No, I did not fall back asleep very easily after that.  Being outside in your pajamas with no shoes is not a prelude to a good rest.  I did however realize that all these years of battling insomnia finally paid off.  I am putting myself on zombie watch as well.  Just in case.......

(On a completely unrelated note, I did mention a short time ago that if I did not leave the house soon I would have nothing to write about.  Well "suck it outside world" I have stuff come to me!)

Less is More - Christmas 2015 Theme (theme song forthcoming!)

Well, since it is so late in the game (December) and I have yet to do anything Christmasey (except shop) I am going with the "Less Is More" theme this year.  I only pulled out half the decorations and will only be putting out half of that half!  Why the heck not?  I am the only one who packs it up at the end of the year and puts the damn stuff away!  Adding to my ever increasing festive fun demeanor is the Christmas Cold that was shared with me this week.  Super, fun.  Just super.  I have been forced to put away the "spirits" and replace it with Nyquil.  On the plus side, I have almost completed all the necessary shopping and that makes me want to go to the mall and skip around singing "I am done shopping, suckers!"  Might just pass on the skipping/singing and go to the Starbucks and sit with a delicious latte and watch the crazy shoppers!  Nah, that's too peopley (see side bar for definition).  I figure if I don't get my butt outta the house I certainly will have nothing left to write complain about.  So off I go.  Out into the world.  Before I go, I leave you with this question I was asked a couple of weeks ago.  "Why doesn't the liquor store have Black Friday sales?"  Huh?

Freaking December All Ready!

Goodness, it is officially the month of too much spending and way to much eating!  Every year I seem to get a little less "into" Christmas and a little more into thoughts of a warm sunny vacation.  The whole holiday is just a ton of work!  Shopping, wrapping, tree and house decorating, more stupid shopping, baking, cooking and driving around like fools looking at Christmas lights.  I think the whole concept of spending time with friends and family over a good meal, drinks and delicious deserts has been lost.  It seems to be all about running around buying stuff.  Now that the youngest money sucker is days away from being a teenager, he to seems to have lost the love when it comes to all the Christmas traditions as well.  I knew this attitude was coming.  It has happened twice before around here.  Yes, the following picture depicts how my festive mood is.....

Oh, and if I have to hear that song "It's the most wonderful time of the year" one more time I am going to start drinking at breakfast!  See how the baking turns out then!