In The Spirit Of The Holidays

It was decided this year that the youngest money suckers hockey team would help out in the community during the holiday season.  Well, to be honest, the parents of all the money suckers thought that it would be a really great idea for the players to do something for others. After a call to a small, local Christmas hamper program, it was all set up.  The man in charge was, of course, a little reluctant to have seventeen young people running around the warehouse needing constant supervision.  I did reassure him that each player would have a corresponding parent there to help as well.  Insert sigh of relief here! 

The big volunteer day arrives.  Two shifts of player/parents are arranged.  First shift shows up and promptly unloads a truck by hand, assembly line fashion.  I have to tell you I have never seen a group of anyone so enthused about unloading a truck!  They were like little elves who got into their older brothers Red Bull!  Amazing!  What seemed like 15 minutes later, said truck empty and elves are looking for other jobs to attack.  Tasks were given and for two solid hours the kids worked like I have never seen.  Filling hampers, loading shelves, organizing food and any task you can imagine, the Hockey Elves went nuts!  Next shift comes and the same situation ensues.  To be quite honest I was pleasantly shocked with how hard the kids worked. They all seemed like they genuinely enjoyed themselves and a ton of work got done (a lot more work than the organizer anticipated!)

Hopefully, as the kids get older, they come to realize that helping others is much more rewarding than any gift they could ever receive.  I am pretty sure there was a large group of parents whom not only left with the feeling of gratitude for all that they have but the amazing feeling of being proud of their son/daughter and the entire hockey team.

Now that's what I'm talking about!
Happy, Merry Holidays, Christmas and Hanukkah to all my crazy, sarcastic loving people!
(If a little more "humble pie" is needed see post dated Dec 15, 2011)

Sometimes you don't get what you paid for!

I know I am not the only one grumbling about this little rant because I have had multiple conversations as of late about this injustice.  Seriously people! What the heck has happened to the tv?  It's pretty sad when you pay over 90 bucks a month for a couple thousand channels and there is absolutely NOTHING on!  Of course, if you like re-runs of every show you can possibly imagine this might be a great time for you.  I, however, don't want to watch the same crap over and over.  I want NEW crap to watch.  Maybe the tv stations think we are all getting ready for the holidays and attending parties every night and therefore do not notice that they have filled the line up with absolute drivel?  Who knows.  I just know that right now I am paying a ton of money to anxiously await for the anonymous fella to come and put another log on the yuletide fireplace!  That's what it has come down to!

 

Just in case.....

Just in case I get super busy and forget to make my New Year's resolution I leave you with this......

 



It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas....... Again!

Doesn't it feel like we just had Christmas? (or maybe just paid last Christmas off?)  I keep saying that it would be a heck of a lot more special (not to mention cost effective) if we only celebrated the commercial side of Christmas every second or third year or so.  Some of us haven't even lost the five pounds we put on last year (remember cookies, chocolates and spirits?)  Let's get back to the way Christmas was spent "back in the day".  Apparently, families just got together for a good meal and kids got stuff like candy and oranges.  I am all into that!  Kids are spoiled rotten now a days anyway.  Let's make the little buggars wait another year before they hand in their three page list of things they want Santa to bring.  Waiting might make them appreciate it more.  (This will be considered the first official rant of the season.  If I start with the "spirits" early, posts might just be a bit lighter and more entertaining.  I will remove "booze blogging" rule for one month.  Just one month.)

Even Santa's having difficulty losing the winter pudge!

Crazy Animal Lady or There's No Damn Room in the Bed!

I titled this sucker about fifteen times before I settled on the above.  It still doesn't do the actual story justice.  You decide....

My pal Hawkgirl loves her dogs.  I don't just mean love I really mean love, love.  I am almost sure she loves animals more than people.  Any animal.  Going out in public with the woman is sometimes painful.  Picture her running up to a perfect stranger exclaiming: "Ohhhh, what a cute dog (cat, bird, skunk - whatever - insert animal here.) can I pet it"?  Then the crazy ass woman gets down to dog level (or cat or deer or .... well, you get it) and practically kisses the damn thing.  All I can think about when we go out is pleasssseee don't let us see some wack job with a emu on a leash.  THAT I won't be able to handle!  Most of the time I just keep walking when she practically french kisses other peoples pets right there on the street.  (Her family members are all nodding and smiling right now.  I guarantee it!)  Anyway, I sometimes wonder if her love of animals might go to far and apparently so does her poor husband.  Guy gets up before the birds, drives hours and hours to work a very long arduous shift and has the love and respect to send his wife a delicate piece of art to display how he was feeling one particular exhausting day.

For those of you who are not familiar with the finer points of Stick Art, the girl with the perfectly coiffed hair (and skirt? Seriously, who wears a skirt to bed?)  is my friend peacefully sleeping.  The tall dude wearing the diaper (Seriously again, you drew a diaper on yourself? Who does that?) is her wide awake husband.  Large item on the bottom is clearly a very huge dog.  What might surprise you however is the spiky thing in between them that is clearly pushing the sleepless fella out is not a porcupine.  No, just a little scruffy dog.  (Although in her case a porcupine would never be out of the question!)

Message to my pals sleep deprived husband - Dude, look at the picture again.... it's not the pets!  There is clearly someone sleeping smack in the middle of that king size and she's wearing a skirt!

An Evening in Pictures or in this case.... Picture

Not to long ago I had the pleasure of going to one of the local watering holes to support a school fundraiser.  I remember being very excited about this adventure first because I have a limited social life and don't get out much and second, I knew there was going to be a crowd of people that I had not seen in quite some time attending (oh, and thirdly to support the school).  We of course started celebrating the fact that we were even leaving the house for the night so arrived to said watering hole very late.  So late in fact that there was nary a place to sit when we arrived.  Not sure why, or if this is even a proven phenomena but it seems one drinks many more beverages when standing.  Maybe standing makes a person much more thirsty?  Any how, good times were had and it was great to see so many people I hadn't seen in a while.  Which leads me to the whole point of this post.  This evening I happened to be scrolling through the million photos on my phone (mostly cat photos I hate to admit.  Damn cat is soooo handsome!) and low and behold I found a photo of that night.  Viewer discretion is advised.....

(Ya, that's NOT my purse??? Huh?

 

When Talking To Yourself (Out Loud) Is Healthy

Ok, first off the heading is going to absolutely stun my long time friend and co-worker because the two of us worked with a bat shit crazy nut bar who not only talked to herself but she talked to her computer monitor, her stapler, her lunch and I am pretty sure a few imaginary friends.  (Note - we did not work in the same office with her for long.  Sure Lee and I made it our goal to make it her goal to find another office to temp at.  Statute of Limitations is done on that crime baby!)  This post does not apply to crazy people who need to be institutionalized.  It only applies to those of us who are crazy and manage to stay outta the bin. 

So when it is ok to talk out loud to yourself?  Well, I have been perusing the old Facebook as of late and the stuff that gets posted on there is sometimes nothing short of ridiculous.  Of course, I don't have three thousand friends and I am loser enough to have Runners World on my Facebook, however at least half the time I find myself scoffing and muttering "who gives a crap" or "really, someone give me my five seconds back that it took me to look at that post".   That got me to thinking that it might be all good and healthy to rant a little every day at Facebook.  It's far better than telling people what you really think when you get out into the big, big world.  (Rant at home people.  Not in the grocery store, the bank or seriously not in your car.  That's just dumb and you will get a ticket.  Big, ugly, expensive ticket!)  Think of it as therapy.  Really, really cheap therapy - of course as long as you don't rage out and chuck your phone or ipad.  (Don't do that either.)  Remember that old adage about the tree, the forest and people hearing the thing fall ...... or not hearing it?  Well this is the new tree/forest/hard of hearing thing: If the pissed off person yells at Facebook posts in their home does anyone know they are crazy?  I think not!  And hey, I didn't hear that tree fall, did you?

You Just Never Know People

I just finished reading the book All Fall Down by Jennifer Weiner and try as I might I can't get the premise of this one to stop making the synapses fire.   The basic jist of the book is a woman juggling a job, a sensitive, challenging child, a strained marriage and aging parents who need care (and in this case having to deal with a father with Alzheimer's and the struggle to put him in a care facility).  Well if that isn't enough for you she discovers how the prescription meds that her doctor prescribed her for a back injury makes the stress of everyday living so much easier.  Until it didn't.  What started out as a one pill in the morning to get the day started, turned into online ordering, thousands of dollars spent and many, many pills a day.  Rock bottom ensues.

There is a part in the book where the main character is in rehab and she says she understands why stressed out people turn to pills what she doesn't understand is why people don't.  Why isn't everyone taking pills to get through the day?  Heck, doctors prescribe the stuff.  She equates her addiction to pills as similar to the person who puts the kids to bed and can't get to the bottle of wine in the fridge fast enough.  It makes you wonder of course if we all have something in our lives that make that little voice in the back of your mind tell you that you absolutely need whatever it is (in my case definitely anything bad for me to eat.)  It also makes you wonder if addiction is more prevalent than we all think.  We have all heard the term "functional alcoholic" could there be "functional prescription medicationaholic"?  I know from experience with sleep medication (bad, bad stuff) that the cycle is horrible.  You take the pill to sleep one night and decide to not take it the next night because of the horrible way it made you feel in the morning only to spend hours stressing before bed and when you go to bed about not being able to sleep.  It is hard to make it stop (especially when you find something else that doesn't make you feel like you went to a frat party the night before).  All I could think about when I was reading this book is that it could happen to anyone and it might just be happening now to any number of the people I hold dear. 

In todays world, with all the crap we pile on ourselves and our children, it's no wonder rehab is a booming, for profit business.  On a lighter note I will be looking to see if there is stock I can buy in a rehab facility because hey, if you can't beat them, make money off them! (Totally just kidding.  Just watched a ton of episodes of Shark Tank and I as well keep thinking about money.  Oh, and food of course.  Oh, and the very expensive bottle of wine I have stashed away for Christmas.  Hmmmm)

See? What did I tell ya?

What have I been telling you guys all along? 

Hibernation - 1. to spend the winter in close quarters in a dormant condition. 2. to withdraw or be in seclusion, retire. 3. to winter in a place with a milder climate.

Any of those things sound like a plan right now?  Ok, I will write Webster's and have them take out the "close quarters" thing because no one but bears like that however there are some key words we need to pay attention to: retire and milder climate.  Makes you wonder if all those older folks who head off to Palm Springs and the like are on to something. 

Anyone in for regulated, mandatory hibernation?  How about when we get those two days of snow? Can we pull it off then?

Ebola, The New Flu and Bad Guys

For quite some time now I have been trying to justify why it is a really good idea never to leave the house (without the obvious addition of living in yoga pants of course).  If the news in the last couple of weeks has not backed me up, I don't know what will.  What with germs coming over to visit on airplanes and the expected nasty flu boring down on us why would we leave the comfort of our homes?  Of course, the normal amount of bad guys is worthy of a level eight lock down, now we have really, really bad guys to contend with!  Seriously people - work at home, order your groceries and get a bloody treadmill.  Now that I think of it I might just patent the "bullet proof everyday wear" line of clothing and run with it.  Or maybe invent a "mentally unstable, likely to lose it" detector that people would need to pass through in order to go to a public location.  Huh, inventor?  New job title.  Anyway, long story short - Don't go out.  It's scary out there.  Stay home, eat popcorn and drink wine and/or beer and/or spirits.  It just makes sense.

Positive advertising and really, really smart marketing

Well, the way I look at it is, if they put a picture of a tree and a squirrel and all kinds of excellent catch phrases like: natural, whole grains and super duper good for you on a bag wrapped around a DONUT I am in!  Lets throw a couple of flax seeds into a Tims sour cream glazed or boston cream donut and who can say they are bad for you?  Who wouldn't rather have a donut for breakfast than a dry, nutty piece of bread.  (If you are now trying to convince yourself that you love nutty, granola type bread that tastes like cardboard, the only person you are kidding is yourself!) 

 



From this

To THIS!!!

And the "Games" Begin Again

Well, it is that time of the year again.  Minor hockey tryouts.  I am staging a personal boycott this year and trying my best not to attend a single tryout.  Don't get me wrong, I really want to go watch the youngest money sucker.  I really do.  What I don't want to watch is all the crazy ass parents who are at the rink just waiting with bated breath for other peoples kids to really suck, get hurt or leave the ice puking.  No, I swear I am not making this up.  For the last two years I have actually witnessed a hockey mom video taping the tryouts.  Why, why, why does a parent do this?  The only thing I can think of is when her little Johnny gets cut she can go to someone and say, "look, my little Johnny is WAY better than little Billy.  I have it on tape."  No other reason.  I think the Minor Hockey people should tell her to get the hell out.  Some serious integrity is missing in this situation.  What also completely confuses me is when hockey parents drive all the way to the rink to watch the tryouts when their kid is NOT even on the ice!  What does that tell ya?  To much time on their hands?  So bored they would rather watch unrelated children tryout for hockey?  (Side note here - one must keep in mind that all hockey parents have no time for anything because they are so busy.  So, so busy.)  No.  I am sorry.  These are the parents who are only at the rink to watch because they want to see how much better their "Sidney" is than the other children on the ice.  Oh look, there is that word again: Children.  These are children people.  Get the hell over it.  We all want our children to try hard and succeed but is it really setting a good example when we don't cheer on and hope the best for other children as well?  What are we teaching these kids?  Since this is my second go around with this whole tryout stuff I am taking some lessons from some of the first go round parents and proceeding with class, dignity and maybe a couple glasses (read: bottles) of wine. 

Back to What?

This by all accounts should be the happiest time of the year for me and a gajillion other parents.  I should be skipping the isles of Staples buying school supplies and dreading making lunches for the next ten months.  Am I doing those things?  Hell no!  Now I am not trashing either side of this ridiculous dispute however I do have an opinion about the lengthy amount of time the "negotiators" took off to enjoy their summer.  If I ran the place (and don't get me wrong here, I keep checking the ads to see if the job comes up) I would have immediately told the two sides that they were promptly forfeiting their freaking vacation until they came up with some kind of agreement.  Six weeks off to do nothing does not fly with most of us.  Get in there and get the job done.  A huge portion of the population only gets three or four weeks of vacation a YEAR so there is no reason why vacation needed to be taken during a major strike.    I don't get to take vacation when there is major stuff going on in my job, why should they!  I am almost positive that the "negotiators" would have pieced together some kind of agreement in a hurry because the pressure would have been on!  Pressure from the teacher, parents and government?  NO.  Pressure from their kids, wives (and or mistresses - yes, I just went there) and others because they had a trip planned.  They would be in France enjoying their vacation and I would be skipping the school supply isles.  Win.  Freaking.  Win.

 

I have been asked by many people what I am going to do with the school age money sucker if the teachers don't go back the beginning of September and my answer is oh so not very popular.  I am going to find the teachers address and drop the monster off in the morning and pick him up again in the afternoon.  THAT will put the pressure on! 

 

Grind 2014 - Done!

Just in case you can't read the sign it says "Third Annual Birthday Grind with Mountain Goats".  That was pretty much the last time I saw those two.  I must say, working out like a mad fool in order to not have a heart attack in the middle of the mountain DID make the climb easier this year.  I did not have to stop and lie down even once!  AND I finished in under two hours (yet another miracle!)  I did, however, make the mistake of leaving the sign and the sharpie with the goats.  There were many pictures taken with derogatory remarks written down but this one was my favourite......

Ha ha, very funny. 

Advice to Live By.....

The Reminder in My Calendar

It's July 9th.  I opened up my calendar/to do list today to see that I had written "one month until the Grouse Grind".  Twenty nine days until I have to lug my fat ass up that damn mountain again.  If I am lucky I will still be complaining ten years from now about doing my birthday "grind".  It might be a good idea to keep working out after the twenty nine days are up so every year it gets easier? I will ultimately make that decision after this years climb.  If all this working out does not make it easier I am officially going back to beer.  Beer is the new yoga!  I'm almost positive.

This is what it has come to!

This is a snapshot of an email conversation I had yesterday with Hawkgirl (formerly Bambi - she is just getting to old to have a stripper name.  Oh, and she moved out of deer country!)  Anyway, here it goes:

Me: I just tried on a pair of shorts I am pretty sure I wore last summer and I could not even get the buttons to meet!  Not sure what I am going to do next - starvation diet, no carbs again or anti-depressants.  Any therapy/suggestions you can provide will be welcome.

Hawkgirl: You are asking a woman who has fat under her arm pit for suggestions?  Here is my actual honest advice - Buy.  Bigger.  Shorts.  It does not matter what size they are if they fit.  Nobody cares but us.  We need to bite the bullet and just go out there and do it.  No one else gives a shit.  And, when all else fails, wear a skirt.

So in a whirl of new found girl power, I went out after work and bought myself two damn new pair of shorts in a bigger bloody size.  As you can imagine I am not happy about bigger sizes, fat and getting older.  To make myself feel better I also bought a couple of workout shirts that are pretty snappy.  So there!  Far, far away, Hawkgirl also went out and bought new shorts which, with much dismay, she is calling her "mom shorts" (goodness!).  She skipped the workout shirts and bought chocolate!  Now that is throwing up your middle finger to middle age baby!

If Life is a Grind - Why Not Add Another One?

So it seems that I have again talked myself into doing the Grouse Grind for my birthday.  I have commandeered my two favourite mountain goats, Billy and his Brother to join me on this great feat.  This year however I am changing this dog and pony show up a bit.  First off I am actually training to NOT die like I did last year.  I am quite serious about it this time.  I have been working out like a mad fool for the last six weeks with the sole intention of getting up the damn mountain without practically hyperventilating and needing an air ambulance.   The second and most important change this year will be the inclusion of a birthday lunch and birthday beer when I get to the top.  Just finishing is not enough any more!  I need a reward.  (Helps that the oldest Mountain Goat can drive so I can drink all the birthday beer I want! Boo ya baby!)  If any of you crazy bitches out there want to join me for the challenge its only 34 days away! 

 

The pictures should be better for year three however, I am not making any promises!

The Epitome of Sarcasm

Those who know me really well understand my sarcasm. Those who don't? Well, lets just say that group probably thinks I am a raving beeotch. All this leads me to the new sign I bought for my office.

 Yes. This sign is all that explains me. If I had an office at an establishment that I owned, with my own employees, I would hang this sucker up with pride. As it turns out, the only living beings that come into my office these days are cats. I will however hang this sign proudly just in case.

Now to find a nice stick!

Garden Neglect or a "Plant" growing contest? You decide.

I

There really is two ways to look at the monstrosity pictured here.  First off, if you want to throw a positive spin on things this could be one of the most well grown, healthy weeds ever!  The other side of course is that yes, I have totally been neglecting my garden (this particular beauty grew in one of the spots I don't really like weeding.  I shall dub said weed "The Opportunist").  I will be researching on line if there is a weed growing contest (no.... not that kinda weed) and if I can find one I will most certainly let this baby grow to its full potential.  If not I suppose I will have to get some full body armour to get it out!  Sucker looks mean!

Stop Being Judgy

For the record, I am not sure if "judgy" is a word but I am pretty sure "asshat" isn't either but who are we to say what the next best English word is anyway?  (I am almost certain it is NOT "selfie").

Back to judgy - Remember back in the day when moms used to pretend their world was wonderful and never, ever complained about their kids being lazy shitheads and they would never in a million years discuss their subsequent coping mechanisms (wine/spirits/moonshine)?   Back in  my day (not that long ago, really.  Fine - it was at least 15 years ago.  Whatever.) I distinctly recall saying accidently out loud that I really do get why some people: cuff their children, run off and join the circus, abandon ship or become shut ins and I very distinctly as well recall the horrified look on peoples faces.  What has she done?  Spoken out loud about what we have all thought from time to time?  (I would add my propensity for disliking stupid people but that would take a really long time to explain and a lot of back peddling so I will keep that to myself)   So here I am 15 years later and low and behold some people actually say this stuff out loud.  Really people, who hasn't wanted to give your dumb ass child a cuff in the back of the head once and awhile.  I am not talking abuse here - I am talking about the "what the heck did you do idiot"!  Who hasn't thought about "borrowing" your friends ex-husbands new mid-life crisis convertible and doing the Thelma and Louise (minus the dramatic ending of course)?  Come on people, stop denying that sometimes life gets the better of us and we want to run off and join the circus (of course a friend duly reminded me awhile ago that carnies do not have dental.  At. All.  Huge fault with the circus life proposal, just saying).  So the bottom line is it is all good and wonderful to watch someone struggle with parenting or child's behaviour and think that will never be you or your child is perfect and you will never have to deal with any of that but...... the only way you are not going to have to deal with the perils of parenting is to a) not have kids in the first place or b) send the little buggers to foreign boarding school and/or hire nannies like the rich and famous do because oh nelly, if your really lucky you get to have teenagers and they are what patience and the invention of alcohol are all about baby!

Sub-note to the English dictionary addendum - new word was recently added to my vocabulary from a friend who had to wait in line and be patient his entire life because his damn last name starts with Z (good move on his wife's part not to take that sucker when they got married because seriously waiting for the letter Z to come up is sooo  painful.)  Anyway, the Last Letter of the Alphabet Man introduced me to my new favourite name calling tag: Weaselshit.  Really!  It's an actual thing.  Weasels are mammals and therefore they must do their doody right?  Anyway, don't be surprised if you read this new, innovative name calling feature in posts to come! Can you just read it now: That little weaselshit...... oh my that's just brilliant.

Spring? Could it be you?

I don't want to get to carried away with things and jinx anything but I am almost certain that that giant orb in the sky might just be the sun?  It seems that as I get older I get less and less tolerant of the never ending crappy rain that we get ten months out of a year.  Now I know why all those white haired people head off every fall to warmer climates.

So with the onset of Spring comes the beginning of new sports and the end of others.  In the past I always looked forward to the end of one sport (the crazy ass, backstabbing, people hope your kid breaks his leg before tryouts sport is done - yes, I mean hockey!) and the beginning of another (the much more laid back, never up at 5 in the morning, cool parents with lots of beverages sport - of course, lacrosse!)  Upon reflection the other day I realized that this is now no longer the case.  Lacrosse season was once the breath of fresh air for me after a tense, time intensive hockey season.  Many laughs and beverages were had and it seemed that every lacrosse parent wanted every kid to play well and have a great time.  Now it seems that the "my Johnny is better than your Johnny" is coming to play as well as some of the immature high school games that people play.  (Remember when so and so would make up a story about so and so and then other so and so's decided that they were not going to be friends with the first so and so anymore?  Remember that bullshit?  I so seriously thought that crap was behind us all.  Whatever happened to adult conversation?  When did it become ok to hurt the kids involved as well?)  Don't get me wrong here, I have learned some pretty hard lessons in the kid world of hockey.  I have twice (yes, twice because I am a slow learner) thought people in hockey were friends (even so much that I invited them to my home) and then when tryout time came realized that they were perhaps not so much friends as foe.   When did all this stuff get so serious and catty?   In spite of all this I will still go and support my elfin money sucker and cheer on all the other peoples money suckers as well.  At the end of the day they are CHILDREN.  Is that the forest through the trees here?

Spring Break

Really, why do they call it Spring Break?  I'm certainly not getting a break and I am sure millions of other parents out there are mocking the "break" idea.  So what if the money suckers are on a break from school because they need a rest from the measly six hours a day that they go there to socialize and eat their lunches.  I think this should be called "Good Luck Finding Daycare" or "Mom, I'm Bored" weeks off.  I would as well like just a teeny, tiny bit of time in a room alone with the Short Sighted Loser who decided that Spring Break needed to be two weeks now instead of one because it saves the school districts money!  Really Mr. Loser!  I'm going to guess you don't have kids or they have long since graduated and you have forgotten how much fun it is to have them home for two long, painful weeks!  We are now into this fun and wonderful "break" for three days and I am ready to run off and join the circus.  Someone please come up with Spring Break Boarding School for Bored Boys.  I will write my check now!

When words can make you smile.....

I recently loaded a Dictionary App on my phone that gives me a wonderful word of the day.  It also tells me how to pronounce the word verbally and phonetically, which is a much needed tool even though English is suppose to be my first language.  I do love words, but yesterdays word of the day was so awesome I actually wrote it down so that I could share it.  Here it is:

 

Cockalorum (kok-uh-LAWR-uhm)  - definition: a self-important little man. 

 

Oh my goodness!  This one’s a keeper!

What's Wrong?

I recently read an article in O Magazine that changed my life!  It was so poignant that I thought I better write it down just in case I forget and need to reference the wisdom.  To start off I am well aware that I appear to be a “not gonna take your crap”, bitchy kinda gal and I do not proclaim myself to not be either of those things but I do, however have a serious facial deformity that sometimes gives off the impression that I am a cranky person all the time.  Facial deformity?  Yes.  Really.  It’s called a “Bitchy Resting Face” (I am totally not lying and I swear I did not make this up!)  Honestly when I read this I almost dropped the magazine!  All these years people have been asking me “What’s wrong?”  (Mostly people who haven’t figured out my facial expressions yet.  Those who know and love me have it all figured out and I don’t have to pretend to smile around them all the time just so they leave me the eff alone!)   In all honesty I call it my “Thinking Face” because for the bulk of my waking hours I am thinking about so much stuff my brain forgets to tell me to put on a smiley face for the crowd around me.  I take an awful lot of harassment when I watch tv.  I tend to really focus (if there is an actual story line to follow) and by the reaction I often get my tv watching face is more akin to “I Effen Hate You Face”.  Huh, who knew?  Apparently, according to the article, I am not the only one who has this issue.  Michelle Obama has been slammed for her glowering and the recent inductee into the Cullen vampire family, Kristen Stewart, has been trashed repeatedly for her unsmiley face.  So now that I have a name for my “affliction”  I am going to spend less time worrying about whether or not my facial expression is bothering people and more time trying to solve life’s little mysteries. 

Tough Lessons

I would say there are many tough lessons we need to navigate through with our children as they grow up.  One particular lesson that is proving difficult is how to explain to your child that people (even adults) can be flat out assholes.  Explaining why another kid did something mean or vindictive is usually not that hard because heck, kids can be mean, we all know that.  It is however a little harder to explain to a kid why an adult would be deliberately mean to a child or disregard a kids feelings.  With the first parenting rodeo I tried to justify the actions of the adults so my kid did not walk away from the situation hurt and lacking disrespect for the adult.  This rodeo I have to say I am a little less tolerant (could be due to age and general dislike for people who suck).  I have also had to see some pretty nasty stuff when it comes to adults and kids sports this go around.  I have had to say a few times as of late when posed with the question of why an adult would do something hurtful that the adult is clearly just an asshole. I know, not cool. I have just gotten to the point of being tired of trying to explain other peoples shitty ass actions and if they cannot show some decency and respect then I do not expect my child to show decency and respect. Two way street people. Two way street. Its a huge lesson to teach our children that they should treat people how they would like to be treated. Its just too bloody bad adults forget this lesson sometimes.  (Yes, the young lad may grow up with an extremely bad attitude but at least I can honestly say I am not sugar coating the world for him so that he gets hit with a two-by-four reality check when he goes out into the real world.  Jury is out on whether I should start saving money for therapy for the boy!)

First Rant of the Year

Hey, I never professed to stop ranting as a resolution so here’s the first of the year – During my regularly scheduled television viewing the other day I was listening to an entertainment news woman blather on about all the upcoming tv and movie awards shows that we are being inundated with right now.  She was talking about how many “noms” each movie star had.  After I swore a few times in my head about how ridiculous she sounded, it occurred to me that this whole "talking like I’m texting" is getting way outta hand.  Even people who are supposed to be smart are using this crap!  Really, the word “nom” to me is defined as the sound an old man with no teeth makes while he is eating – get it: nom, nom, nom?  One of my top ten stupid words that people use has to be vacay (short for vacation for those people who don’t know).  Is it getting too hard or taking too much of our time for us to enunciate our words?  Are we so lazy that we have to Cole’s notes our speech?  Don’t even get me started on lol and wft.  People, if it comes up spelled wrong on spell check it probably isn’t a word!  Someone also needs to talk to the dufas’s at the Webster’s Dictionary offices because if you all are starting to put this stupid slang in your big book of words I’m not buying.  At the end of the day all we have is words to remind us of our histories.  Why mess that up with shit that just doesn't make sense?  People thirty years from now are going to need Webster's Book of Slang just to decipher what it is that we are writing about.  Do we really want to be known as the people who were to lazy to use whole words? 

The Rosie Project Murder

Over the Christmas break I committed an offence so gruesome and horrific I have been embarrassed to admit it.  I have however realized that confessing is part of the healing process so here you go……

The bloody Rosie Project

Even though I have my E-Library and love the convenience of just being able to order a book online any time, I still do hit the library from time to time.  I don’t actually GO to the library to look for books to read (except to pick up and drop off) no, I do all my library perusing from the comfort of my home on the computer.  I request a hold on the books I want to read and wait, sometimes for months, for the damn things to come in.   They send me an email telling me my book is in and I hustle down to the library and pick it up.  I don’t even need to communicate with humans once during this entire transaction!  The library has a fancy self check out machine!   Doesn’t get any better than that.  Of course the only issue with this system is that sometimes I have to stop reading a book to start reading the library book!  So all this gibberish leads to the library book I pick up over the break.  I was pretty excited about this one.  It’s a new best seller that screamed whimsical!  Everyone can use a little whimsy every once and awhile.  A few days into reading the book I suffer from a spontaneous nose bleed.  Freaky, profuse blood spurt.  Gross really when you think about it.  It was all I could do to get the book out of my way and get to the bathroom!  Of course you can imagine that the book did not go unscathed.  One single drip of blood lands on the paper side of the spine.  Just bloody great.  Of course I make the spot bigger by rubbing it in panic and now I have a smudge of blood on the spine!  Crap.  I probably spent 20 minutes trying my damndest to get that stain out only to realize I was starting to damage the pages!  I felt sick.  Here I had damaged a best selling book that has a wait list six miles long!  It took me two days to get to the library and confess. A part of me was thinking I was going to have a “black mark” on my squeaky clean library record.  I am now the proud owner of a slightly yucky library book that cost me $27.99.  What pisses me off more is that if I had just ordered the thing on my e-account it would have only cost me $13.99.   To make matters worse two days after I paid for the book I get an email from the library saying one of my reserves was in (I was relieved that I did not get kicked out of the secret society of library users) to which I pick up and bring home only to see that the “new” book looks like someone dropped it in the tub!  All the pages are warped and mangled and the final cherry on top – there is a stamp on the inside that says "October 2013 – water damage"!  Really?  That book is a hundred times worse than my DNA infested damaged book.  Think that person did a drop and run?  Oh well, I suppose I could “rent” out my new “Bloody” book to all my friends to re-coup my $27.99, or just keep it in my library as a reminder that sometimes honesty is the best policy – but it’s gonna cost ya.

New Years Resolution 2014 - "Except For" Edition

So you all know my feelings about those stupid resolutions that we all insist on making at the beginning of every year.  No one keeps them!  Seriously.  I just read something in O Magazine that asked if you are making a new years resolution for 2014 and whether you have made the same resolution before?  Well, have you?  I certainly have.  It sort of pisses me off that I would waste a perfectly good resolution on something that I will never (apparently) follow through on.  This year I decided to change it up and try to fix a major deficiency that has been plaguing me for at least twenty years.  I know I am usually a sunshiny, happy person (stop laughing) but the bouts of insomnia I go through are seriously starting to effect my memory and my chipper personality.  Part of the reason I have decided this issue is in serious need of fixing is the recent research that has been put out to the world about the connection between sleep deprivation and dementia in later life.  Apparently, while we sleep our brains have "a chance to clear out potentially harmful waste that build up while you're awake.  This waste includes amyloid beta - a driver of Alzheimer's."  While we sleep there are fancy little "janitors" that "take out the trash" and clean all the crap up!  Amazing!  This however does not bode well for me with my lack of sleep on a daily basis.  My neuron holder if full of brain crap and sleep is the toilet!  So after consulting with a fellow ex-insomniac, I get the "rules" for fixing myself up.  Oh boy.  No wonder my sleep is messed up!  Here are just some of the rules I am required to follow and the Except Fors that I will be instituting:

1.  Get up at the same time every morning - sounds easy?  Except for so far I am sucking at this endeavour.  Must try harder.....
2. Go to bed only when you feel sleepy - really?  Except for I go to bed to get away from the testosterone fest that is my home.  I will have to start locking myself in my office.
3. Avoid naps - You guessed it, this also has been a struggle but I have managed to not pass out at all over the last seven days.  The cats however, are pissed about this one as I am their favourite napping buddy.
4. Avoid caffeine, alcohol and tobacco in the evening - well not smoking is easy since I don't touch the stuff but I really wish this rule list would define "evening".
5. Have a cool, quiet, dark bedroom - again, really? If I can get one of the older money suckers to stop playing video games until 3:00 am every day I would be able to complete this one.  Not. Going. To. Happen.

There are more items (13 in fact) but I won't bore you with them.  It did however, occur to me after reading "repeating a nonsense phrase or saying "one" to yourself repeatedly, induces a relaxation response which helps promote sleep" that the sheep I try to count at night keep stopping on the other side of the fence and asking me questions and then, of course, I have to think about the answer.  I will be looking for much dumber sheep or at the very least quiet ones!

Happy New Year and I hope you keep the resolution you set for yourself.  You only get one a year baby.  Don't squander it!

(References from The University of Rochester Medical Centre for Translational Neuromedicine study and Vancouver Coastal Health Sleep Disorders Program, just so ya know.)