New Career?

As I was sitting in traffic yesterday making up new names for the stupid, bad drivers (douche nugget) it hit me that I should probably have my own morning and traffic show on the radio.   I would even be willing to hop into a whirling death machine to provide the most accurate traffic reports for my listeners (of course bringing along my friend Ativan).   It would be a very honest and forthright reporting of true traffic events.   Here is just a small sample of the reports:

“Asshat in Blue Dodge pick-up truck on the 91 Highway driving in the fast lane not letting people pass.  If same blue dodge is witnessed as pushed off the side of the road, please do not stop and assist.  Douche deserves to wait!”

“It’s Idiot Thursday people.  Just try to get home safe as fast as you can.  Who knows what is going to happen out there today!”

“This morning’s traffic report brought to you by the nut jobs who slow the eff down to stare at every car that happens to be pulled over on the highway or accident that occurred on the OTHER side of the highway.  Stop looking and start driving people!”

“Minivan on the highway commute home who is pissing everyone off hitting the breaks over and over again when clearly there is no bloody cars in front of you.  Please, please unfortunate Minivan driver, if you are listening, you are causing all the other idiots behind you to panic and hit the brakes.  If you cause a rear-ender, you’re getting the bill.” 

“Gentle reminder to the listeners out there AND a public service announcement:  Slower effing traffic keep right!  This actually means if you are driving in the left hand lane and are not doing so with the sole purpose of passing someone and getting back in the right lane then I suggest you get off the road.  Your f**ing up traffic.”

“You in the white Subaru driving ten kilometers under the speed limit – that car goes faster, I know it does.  If you can’t drive it to its full potential get a bloody Honda Fit.  Let someone who knows how to drive have the damn car!”

I could go on and on and I will most certainly do so, in my head, on the commute home today and every day.  Until then stay safe out there on the roads.  Especially on Idiot Thursday!

My Memory Escapes Me.... Again and Again

I don’t know what is going on with my neurons right now but I swear they have gone on strike.  It’s like they decide, when it’s convenient for them, not to fire every once and awhile leaving me mid conversation with no thoughts at all.  Then, hours later they decide to fire up again and I recall what it was I was trying to say/remember.  This is not good for the wit and charm I usually dispel.  How am I to appear to be witty and smart if my brain decides to forget the simplest things.  Like the name of the tv show that Valerie Bertinelli was in back in the day?  That was a two day layover whereupon I had to use The Google to figure it out (One Day at a Time).  Is my brain becoming so used to my heavy dependence on The Google that it has just given up trying?  Is it age?  Early signs of dementia?  I choose to think that I have way to many random, useless tidbits floating around that my brain has simply stopped trying!  I better start eating good, healthy brain food and doing brain exercises.  Of course, I am going to first have to Google that!

(Side Bar - Just read article in Scientific American the other day that quoted studies on alcohol affecting your brain cells (ie: unceremoniously killing them) .  As much as I heartily dispute the findings of these studies, I am now wondering if I should add "reduce alcohol intake" to the new brain health plan.  Or not.....)

The Problem With Social Media

It occurred to the other day as I was humoring myself with my own witty banter (in my head of course, as only a small portion of my thoughts get written down) that the fundamental fault with social media is that at any given time, you can Tweet, Snap Chat, Comment on line and a million other forms of expelling verbal diarrhea within seconds of the thoughts coming to you.   I had this thought because at least 90 percent of my mental rumblings could seriously get me into trouble and/or create confusion with which I would have to then explain myself (which is something I hate doing).  You see so many celebrities and common everyday folk who create online shit storms with the comments or videos that they post on line whereupon if they waited a 12 to 24 hour period before posting, would they think it through and reconsider?   Take today for instance.  I was thinking to myself how amazing it would be to go to a local craft beer festival but it would be an even better experience if I could employ a driver to take me to and fro.  Alas, my inside voice became my outside voice and I abruptly stated  “I need to hit up an AA meeting so I can make new friends who don’t drink who can drive.”  Ummmm, three of my coworkers literally stared at me with faces that looked like I just said I was going to get naked and jump off the roof of the building, while eating a sandwich.  I then realized that this was one of those comments that I perhaps should have kept to myself.  Could you image if that comment got Twitterized?  Oh boy would I get roasted.   Those are the type of things that people really need to pause first before hitting post.  I am pretty sure the social media generations who are running around right now have never been taught to think first before posting.  Shouldn’t it be the social media platforms duty to have a message pop up when you hit post that says – “ARE YOU SURE?”  Of course they should add a smiley face after the question mark so the user doesn’t get all teary eyed and upset because their media app asked them a question that questions them……  oh goodness. 

There are so many times I hear about a comment that has been posted where everyone and their dog decides to get all pedestal, high and mighty and beat the person who posted the comment down.  People really, honestly need to chill the eff out.   Not only has social media developed a generation of people who feel it’s their right to comment and provide opinions on EVERYTHING but it also has unearthed a whole grassroots generation of people who clearly have no bloody sense of humor!  We really should go back to the way it was back in the day when  you had to hand write a letter to the editor of a newspaper, who may or may not publish it.  (Note: for anyone reading this who is under 25, a newspaper is actual papers, bunched together with stories written in it using full sentences AND actual paragraphs.  Yes, we had paragraphs back in the day.  Oh, and punctuation.  Those were the days……..)