The World Is A Wonderful Place. Look...... (edited version ..... don't look?)

I have been trying for three days now to post a picture of the most amazing thing I have seen in a while.  I cannot understand why the picture will not post???  It's making me truly crazy because everyone should be able to see the progress of man (or woman) kind.  Since the picture is eluding my every effort to post I will explain here:

I was at a restaurant last week and, after careful consideration, decided to use the ladies room (not a decision that is taken lightly.  In some cases I spend at least a half an hour trying to decide if the germ infusion is worth the busted up bladder.  In this case, a couple  few beers had been consumed so it was a necessary trip.)  I did the business that was duly required in order to have another beer and realized with glee that I did NOT have to fight the toilet paper holder!  The required paper was unleashing itself in a manner of which did not include me piecing together bits and drabs as is the usual procedure.  So I grabbed my phone and took a picture (no, there was no one else in the washroom wondering what the hell I was taking a picture of! That would have been embarrassing - for me anyway.  Young people apparently take pictures of themselves anywhere, any time!  Gross!)  If I can get the damn site to cooperate I will share the photo with you.  For now please feel free to use your beautiful imagination and imagine a world without ripping single ply bits all while performing a circus act of "hover, hold the purse".

Just an observation...

Now that the stress of having to have and then actually having surgery is over I am here to report my findings.   Let me first start by saying that surgery sucks!  Any kind of surgery.  I have no idea why in the heck someone would actually volunteer to have any kind of surgical procedure done (for some reason I keep thinking about people who have butt implants done because WHAT?).  So Butt Implant people happily submit themselves to being poked and prodded by strangers, drugged up (jury out on how bad that one is though), cut up and I am assuming beat up (while under) and subjected to whims and whimsy of whether or not the nurse of the moment had her coffee or stubbed her toe getting out of bed in the morning.  I was, for some crazy, unexplained reason, super concerned that my surgeon NOT have a hangover that day.  Honestly, I don't even know if the woman drinks and I certainly did not want to ask her how her night was the night before so I just requested copious amounts of Ativan to help me not worry about this and the three million other things that could have gone wrong.  It truly is a situation where you have absolutely no control over what happens to you (and I found that sometimes no matter how nice and not a bother you might be, some nurses are just overworked bitches and should consider working in the lab and leaving the patients alone!).  Within six minutes of coming to some kind of level of consciousness in post op recovery I absolutely changed my mind (not that I had a choice on the surgery but oh how I wish I did!)  Yes, I realize that was way to late to go back but holy hannah that was not an experience I would line up to do willingly again.  At least I could comfortably sit down afterwards, that poor elective surgery butt implant crazy person obviously could not sit (I am of course surmising at this.  I truly have no idea of the post op recovery of butt implants - or any implants at all.  Who would willingly want scars as well?  I just don't know.)  Well, four weeks in and the truck that hit me has moved from Mack Truck (with a tandem axel trailer) to a Toyota 4X4 (lifted and covered in dirt for those visual readers) soooo progress no?  (Side bar: I never did work up the nerve to ask my surgeon to take a bit of extra fat from a few areas.  My sense of humor went right out the window and all I could think about was 1. Not dying and 2. How bad my hair was going to look after the surgery.  Both turned out pretty good!)

Slaker? Yes!

Yes, I have been slacking off with posting.  I would like to say I have been so crazy busy that I simply do not have time to post but alas, I would be lying.  I have had an abnormal amount of "stuff" go on in the last few months.  Probably enough to send a person completely over the edge and I am not going to lie, I was starting to think about running off and joining the circus again but avoidance will not make a lot of the "stuff" go away so I sucked it up and just decided to deal with it.  I have also instituted a new life policy - deal with the current events with as much positivity as possible and move on!  Stressing out does not do me any good!  So first up - surgery for me.  Positive outlook - I will most definitely lose weight after this and I will have many recovery hours to read!  First off though, I need to find a way to tell my wonderful surgeon that, if possible, could she please take a little extra fat along with all the other parts and gunk she is already taking out!  Maybe I will bring her donuts??  Do doctors take bribes?   I hope to report back in just over a week that I have lost 20 pounds and woke up in recovery with a flat stomach, perfectly toned legs and less arm fat!  hahahaha. 

Where do I begin?

Honestly, the last four days have been so insane I do not even know where to begin.  How about this.......

That was the "hotel" we stayed in for the 2015 lacrosse provincials in Kelowna, BC.  Yes, my friends as you can imagine my OCD Radar was pinging (read: screaming at me).  Friends who got to the Cockroach Motel a day earlier had already texted us to provide valuable information about what rooms we did not want and to recommend we pick up roach/bug spray on our way into town.  Very reassuring.   My roommate Scrappy and I were absolutely horrified to say the least and instituted a "wear shoes at all times" policy.  Thank goodness 80% of the entire trip was spent at the arena because if we were there any longer I would have had to commit myself to a cleaner, more sanitized facility (psych. ward?).  We were pretty sure the rooms at this fine establishment were rented out monthly and some possibly hourly (grosses me out even typing that!).  One of our dear friends, LJ, could not find a room available in the entire place that did not smell either like the smoking section of a monster truck rally or a decomposed body.  Good thing we had extra room or LJ and her boy would have been sleeping in the parking lot!  The inclusion of two more crazy people made the experience that much more fun (AND LJ was sensitive to my need for coffee in the morning which was a bonus, not just for me but my other roommates as well!  Think justifiable homicide here please.) 

Just as entertaining during the stay was the couple of homeless guys trying to "get fresh" with two of our lax moms!   That will provide fodder for us for years to come!

To absolutely top our stay off, during the check out proceedings, a "lady" and her "gentleman" friend started moving all their worldly possessions from outside the office into one of the rooms.  Pretty sure they had moved out for the weekend into the bushes across the street.  Scrappy, LJ and I made the best of it and managed to laugh at the circumstances we were in.  I, however, got home and proceeded to take a shower with an sos pad and bleach (just kidding, but I thought about it).

 



On another, much nicer note, this is what a Provincial Championship Lacrosse banner looks like:

 



Our boys brought it home baby!  What an amazing weekend of lacrosse.  The team won all five games and brought home gold, the banner and bragging rights! 

Fire Drill? No.  Gold Win Baby!

There is more to this story as you can imagine, however, if I get started on the story of actually holding a baby kangaroo I will go on and on and lose you.  THAT story will be coming.  Just have to go out side and feed the roo I "borrowed".........

Well, that was bloody stupid!

Seriously though, Mudder had its awesome moments.  I was completely thrown out to left field many, many times.  The obstacles that I thought were going to be the most challenging for me were not that bad and a couple of ones I looked at before hand and thought "no big deal" turned out to be effing frightening!  From the inspirational speech given at the start of the challenge to the extremely crazy 17 kilometer terrain we had to cover, this was one insane day that I will never forget!   
I did have a moment of extreme fear on the "Walk the Plank" obstacle.  I happily followed my team mates up to the top of a platform, only to find that I would then need to jump a huge distance into water.  Uh, NO.  I let (read: pushed) a few of my team members ahead of me then politely asked the Mudder staff member if I could pass and go back down.  He promptly told me "no, your gonna have to jump".  Well crap.  I was scared shitless!  Why, I don't know? It was just water.  I eventually jumped and struggled to swim to the edge.  I have been  having nightmares about it since!  If I had known that was going to be the obstacle that was going to send me over the edge I would have trained at the damn pool! (swimming with runners on also proved to be challenging!).  Of course everyone keeps asking me if I would do it again and so far my answer is a very clear, absolute HELL NO, however if it had not rained and hailed on us during the event it may not have been such an uncomfortable situation and I would consider doing it again.  We were beyond freezing and it made some of the challenges much more hard, if not impossible (for me anyway).

Although I sit here now two days later covered in bruises and so sore I can't lift my arms, I am still glad I did it (weekend in Whistler was a definite bonus as well)!  The team of young lads and ladies I went with were amazing and so inspirational (not to mention totally effing hilarious)!!  Participating in an event like this with your kid is a truly rewarding, humbling experience.  It's amazing to watch a person who you thought was always going to be dependant on you become a source of encouragement and pride all wrapped up in one.  I feel like I officially adopted two amazing young ladies and four new crazy young men as well.  I suppose its on to the next adventure.  Of course after my poor, old body heals!

 

The Countdown is On

One week today I will be driving up to one of my favourite places in the world (Whistler) to be subjected to all kinds of physical stupidity and fat old lady ridicule.  I have had a few hiccups in the training since January but for the most part I have been focused and have now resigned myself to the fact that I am seriously out of time.  I am still, daily, stressing about my hair, outfit and where I am going to put my ID (because you know I am sure to get asked for ID at the end of the race when I try to buy more beer!).  Out of all this crazy training I have found that I CAN get stronger with hard work (because I can do more than one girly push up now!) and although I still can't stand exercising I have renewed my love of running (Please insert the word "hate" here instead of love.  What I do love is how I feel AFTER running, not the actual disgusting act of running!)  I have also found that working out with my oldest money sucker has not been an act of humiliation as expected but a pleasure that I hope we continue after this insane act of foolishness we all call Mudder. 

 

 

I do not plan to bring my camera to this event (because I have clearly run out of stress time as to where to put a camera!) so I will leave you with this picture that I found online.  This will be me. Count on it!

 

Mud Napping or Death?